-Boulder CO, AP
For years, football players at the University of Colorado have gotten first dibs on the legions of fame whores known colloquially as "Jersey Chasers". This is a group of women who sleep exclusively with athletes, in order to fill their desire fame and success, or the void in their soul where their baby sitter sexually molested them as children. However, following the recent 52-45 loss to Big 12 doormat Kansas, which saw the Buffaloes relinquish a 45-17 4th quarter lead, these ejaculate receptacles have moved on to greener pastures: STD ridden frat boys.
"I mean, like, usually I’ll like only like sleep with some guy if like he’s like a football player" said Rachel Greencastle, CU sophomore in Integrated Family Studies from Barrington Park Heights Grove Meadow, Illinois. "But they just like lost to like Kansas. Apparently Kansas like sort of got like slaughtered by Iowa State. I don’t like even know what an Iowa State is. I can’t be seen banging a LOSER. Ick."
"It’s really sad" added Paige Marlow, senior in Graphic Design from Wheat Ridge. "As a 5th year senior, I’ve learned to only spread my legs when there’s a reasonable chance that if get knocked up, the father will end up being wealthy and I can like sue him for lots of money. Now that the football players have gotten beat by Kansas there’s like no way any of those guys are ending up in the NFL." But why the change to frat boys? "Like, well," Marlow replied, "they’re all like SUPER lame, and probably have AIDS from sticking things up each other’s asses during their initiation routines, but most of their dads own car dealerships or have huge trust funds set up. If I can’t whore myself out for NFL money, I might as well lock up some pimply little reject who has enough money to buy me plastic surgery and martinis for the rest of my life."
The change has been extremely difficult for the Buffalo football players. A CU senior Quarterback who asked that we refrain from using his name had this to say: "Fuck this noise. These hoes used to be lined up just aching for the cock, and as soon as we go out and go on a 5 game losing streak, they dry up like my Dad’s coaching career. I had to fuck a fat chick with a prosthetic leg last night. It was the most humiliating experience of my entire life. Even worse than that time we lost to Montana State."
However, the change in campus climate hasn’t left everyone in such a sour mood. Douglas "Face Load" Williamson, CU senior in Marketing and president of Phi Alpha Delta Beta Tau Chi Omega Fraternity said that this recent news has been a boon for him and his fraternity brothers. "Dude, it had gotten so bad that weren’t even able to lure high school chicks with Smirnoff Ice. This Kansas loss has been a God-send! Now all these bitches have just started coming over and they are DTF! I don’t even have to wear rubbers bro! I’m Eskimo Brothers with Rodney Stewart. How bad ass is that?"
-Norman Underwood, AP