Author’s Note: due to an extremely busy workload, and vacation, this column has been neglected. Not to worry Mizzou fans, we haven’t forgotten about you guys!
STADIUM: The Tigers take the field at wait, that’s right, you guessed it, MEMORIAL STADIUM in Columbia, MO. Thankfully to their credit, Mizzou named the field Faurot Field so people wouldn’t confuse it with the myriad of other Memorial Stadiums around the Big 12. We can appreciate this slight exercise in creativity.
If you remember from earlier this spring, Mizzou announced to the world that they were actively pursuing membership in the Big 10, thus nearly setting off college football Armageddon. In an extremely comical turn of events, the Big 10 left Mizzou at the altar, picking those shit heads from Lincoln instead. Mizzou was basically used like a roofied co-ed at a frat party. However, we here at ISU are thankful that they couldn’t keep a fucking secret, as those blabbermouths may have accidentally lead to a lesser version of Armageddon.
MASCOT: Missouri’s mascot Truman, is probably the biggest mascot pussy in the Big 12. While not as intrinsically stupid as Willie the Wildcat, or as creepy as Herby Husker, Truman is clearly confused about his sexuality.
Most likely named after the flamboyant Truman Capote, Truman the Tiger is often found in the men’s room of Columbia watering holes, tapping his foot under the stalls, Larry Craig style. We think thus far that his only successful conference hook up was with the Baylor Bear, although we have a strong inkling that Herby Husker went all "Priest on Altar Boy" with Truman when he was a cub.
TEAM: The Tigers return a very good QB in Blaine Gabbert, who had the unenviable task of replacing Chase Daniel. While Gabbert might actually exceed Daniel’s on-field prowess, he clearly fails to live up to Chase’s undeniable ability to eat his own boogers.
While Gabbert clearly has a ways to go in his ability to consume congealed mucus, he’s an effective passer, and the Mizzou offense should be solid once again. Defensively, the Tigers lose some solid players, but defense hasn’t been their forte anyways.
Donning the head sets is one of the biggest crybaby douche bags in the Big 12, Gary Pinkel. When he isn’t crying about clearly correct calls (McKenize WAS held on that play)
, he’s trying his best to look like Bob Stoops.
At least we got back to back Visor Fests in the Big 12 title game between ’07 and ’08.
AGAINST ISU: Mizzou gets the unusual distinction for providing both parts of our website title. Not only did 2 of the choke job Wide Rights come against them, but Mizzou also provided the Natty Light which eventually doomed our beloved Lecherous Larry Eustachy.
Naturally, our only recourse will be releasing a photoshop of Gary Pinkel and Mike Anderson molesting dogs. Be careful Mizzou, for revenge is a dish best served cold.