Here at WRNL, we decided to take the last day of this Rivalry Week to honor our brothers to the East. Rather than make childish, inappropriate barbs, we felt that in the spirit of brotherly rivalry, that we should celebrate their accomplishments. Here you go....
1) Tom Arnold Marries Roseanne
Hawkeye fans love to tell us how ugly the girls in Ames are, and how they're just running through some fine ass over in Iowa City at a pace that would make Gene Simmons blush. Well, Tom Arnold, you are no exception. The Ottumwa native launched himself into the upper stratosphere of Holywood Stardom, and became the envy of men everywhere when he somehow managed to land Roseanne Barr, easily the finest piece of ass this side of Malin Ackerman. While the marriage may not have worked out, Tom certainly got to wallow in the sweetest of honey holes. Way to go Tommy!
A Hawk fan with a mullet? Get out of town!
2) Pierce Misinterprets the Word "No"
Don't let anyone tell that the U of I doesn't have top notch English programs. They also have a top notch law school. Thus, any good U of I student effectively knows how to advocate for creative meanings to any word. Pierre Pierce was no exception. When a scared co-ed yelled "NO" as Pierre moved in for the kill, we all know she obviously meant "Oooh Pierre, I want you harder than I've ever wanted any man", as opposed to the standard definition of "no", which would generally mean "get your hands off of me you disgusting pile of shit!" One can only assume that Pierre's current cell-mate is about 6'6" 300 lbs, and has a similarly creative grasp on the English language.
Pierre is generally used to the inverse of this position.
3) Feldman Mistakes Stranger in the Bathroom for Dildo
If there's one thing Hawk fans excel at, it's showing everyone who is boss. Much like the Huns in the early 1st Century, they sweep through villages, like the Metrodome pillaging, looting, raping, and generally showing you how much ass they kick, because let's face it, Hawk fans are total fucking bad asses.
Anyhow, during their final appearance at the Metrodome, one Hawk fan managed to become considerably disoriented. Lois Feldman, a married mother from Carroll wandered into a Metrodome bathroom with a total stranger. In an act of total Hawkeye badassery, she mistook him for either a dildo, or her husband. When the dust had cleared, they had given the crowd in this (apparently co-ed) bathroom quite a show, thus proving for once and all that you don't know Hawkeye class until you have extramarital sex in a public bathroom!
We'd definitely TJ that SB
4) Hawkeye Fans attempt to Outsmart Revolving Door
Hawkeye fans are so fucking awesome that they can publicly vandalize your stadium, and you WILL like it. After gaining a historic victory over the Gophers in 2002, Iowa fans stormed the field (something they do after every win, because of how much ass they kick), and ripped down the Gophers goal posts, as the Metrodome officials blared canned noise generally reserved for riot control.
Apparently the Hawk fans got sick of this, and decided it would be a good idea to get away from the riot control noise, so they decided to exit. However, this obviously would not be complete with the goalposts they had just removed. Standing between Hawk fans, goalposts, and liberty were a set of 3 foot wide revolving doors. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, except for the fact that goal posts are 18ft and 6inches wide. Nonetheless, this did not deter the totally awesome Hawk fans, who continued to attempt to fit these posts through the door, until the Metrodome officials informed the crowd that Hayden Fry would be signing autographs naked, outside.
3 foot door... 18 foot goal post... This'll work great!
5) Ashton Kutcher Ironically Wears Trucker Hat
Let's face it guys, there are a lot of totally bad ass, super cool, and generally awesome Hawk fans, but none more bad ass than Ashton Kutcher. He seriously might be the coolest motherfucking person ALIVE. Between delivering us cinematic manna such as "Just Married" or "Guess Who", and getting the Bush Twins high as balls, Kutcher found time to create what is, without question, the greatest fashion trend of all time: the ironic trucker hat. Thanks to Kutcher, these hats are no longer reserved for overweight meth-addicted over the road haulers, and their lot lizards. Now, every bad ass at The Union or Summit can wear his cheap mesh hat at a cocked angle, and feel comfortable about that fashion decision. In a little known fact, Mr. Kutcher received 2nd place in the voting for the 2004 Nobel Peace Prize. He would have taken the award outright, but he totally Punk'd the committee members by faking a terrorist takeover of the award ceremony.
6) Podolak Misplaces Beverage in Breast
Ed Podolak is a true rennaisance man. Not only does he have the ability to get completely shit hammered drunk and demand a pass interference on every incomplete pass thrown by a Hawkeye quarterback, or the ability to get completely shit hammered drunk and pass out on the steps of the Old Capitol, but he also has the ability to get completely shit hammered and stare down a fat chick's boobs! Ed is obviously a great human being, and we all know that he wasn't actually trying to get a view of this woman's exposed breast, rather Eddie was just a tad bit confused about where he had last set his adult beverage. That woman's cleavage was clearly a logical hiding spot for Ed's drink.
I knew I left it SOMEWHERE around here...
There you have it folks. Don't ever let it be said that Cyclone fans can't give credit where it's due.