Welcome Cyclone fans (and others who casually read the site) to the first installment of our weekly edition of Helmet Stickerzzz. While the concept of this article is actually taken from ESPN’s College Football helmet sticker segment (you know the segment where old ass Lou Holtz stutters and spits while placing a sticker on a helmet), our version is focused only on the latest Iowa State game. If all works out as planned and I’m not sleeping off a hangover equivalent to an F5 tornado you’ll be privy to who I consider the best offensively, defensively, surprise player, and also who comes away with the commemorative Gene Chizik Novelty Coin presented to a player from the opposing team who stood out due to his poor performance or even his tremendous performance causing Iowa State fans to despise him.
Now that I’m finally reeling down from the excitement that came with the opening game against Northern Illinois I’m ready to break things down and award the very first WRNL helmet stickerzzz.
NORTHERN ILLINOIS SEPTEMBER 2, 7:00 PM
FINAL SCORE: Iowa State (1-0, 0-0) 27 Northern Illinois (0-1,0-0) 10
OFFENSIVE WRNL HELMET STICKER:
A-Rob began this season right where he left off last season. He came up just 3 yards short of his first 100 yd rushing game with 97 yards on 19 carries and 2 scores. That’s 5.1 yards per carry since I know you are too lazy to pull up the calculator on your computer. He also added 4 receptions for 32 yards. All of this, against a defense that ranked 35th in rush defense last year, as KnowDan kindly pointed out in his preview.
DEFENSIVE WRNL HELMET STICKER:
I also don’t think there’s much doubt on who deserves the defensive form of our newly created award. Jake Knott is going to be special ladies and gentlemen. If last night’s performance was a precursor to the remainder of Jake’s career at Iowa State, we Cyclone fans are in for a treat. How does 9 tackles, 2 interceptions, and 1 forced fumble sound for your first game starting at linebacker in division 1 football? You know what I don’t even care how you think it sounds, to me it is a performance deserving of this WRNL helmet sticker.
SURPRISE WRNL HELMET STICKER:
This honestly isn’t much of a surprise to me, more of an honorable mention helmet sticker. Collin Franklin had himself one hell of a game catching 5 passes for 75 yards. I foresee him playing an integral role in this offense under Tom Herman and I, for one, am looking forward to it. Not only does he block and catch well but he had open field moves causing a few jock straps to be left on the field by the opposition. Who knew white boys could juke so well?
COMMEMORATIVE GENE CHIZIK COIN:
My buddies and I had quite a laugh at Northern Illinois kicker’s expense. I mean, really how shitty must he feel about his performance? Guy goes by the name of Michael Cklamovski and is probably better suited for the Russian KGB than he is as a kicker. His official stats are 0 for 2 in field goal attempts but it was a lot worse than that. At one point he missed 3 consecutive field goals from the same exact spot on the field back to back to back. He of course was given 3 opportunities because the Cyclones called time outs right before the ball was snapped in order to ice him. So let me break this down for you. They line up ready to kick roughly a 30-40 some yard field goal and he misses the kick way wide right after timeout #1. They line up again and he clanks it off the right upright immediately after timeout #2 was called. They line up yet again and he pushes it wide left. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he was then replaced by the backup kicker.
Well there concludes the first segment. Check back next week when we reveal the winners of this illustrious award for the Iowa State vs. Iowa match up.