The NFL Playoffs are here!
Four teams get a week off while they reap the rewards of stellar seasons:
The Atlanta Falcons:Led by Matt Ryan and The Burner Turner the Falcons have romped through the NFC using the ingenious strategy of boring their opponents into submission with mindless, yet amazingly successful football.
The Chicago Bears: No one is sold on the Bears, their success this year is baffling. The wins have been counted again and again and it always adds to 11. Who knew? The fucking Bears ... craziness.
The New England Patriots: The Pats are good again and Tom Brady is taking the week off to impregnate another supermodel. Like the change of the seasons... bastards.
The Pittsburgh Steelers:They've been fined so often for illegal hits you'd think they played for the Hawkeyes. bah-dumdum ching! Oh and they're good too.
The other eight teams hit the field this weekend to determine who gets the honor of playing one of the well rested teams above.
The New Orleans Saints at The Seattle Seahawks
The Seahawks have won 7 games this season (out of 16 if you're not an American). Yet, impossibly, they are hosting a home game against the Saints. The Seahawks actually cost themselves the #8 pick overall in the draft by winning and getting to the playoffs this weekend, now they'll have to settle for a late pick and the scorn of 10 win-Tampa Bay fans everywhere.
WRNL's pick: Seahawks
The Saints have Drew Brees and his magical aura and are the defending champs. The Seahawks went 7-9. But this is the NFL so the Seahawks will win and degenerate gamblers, drunken cajuns and common sense lovers everywhere will weep openly in unison.
The New York Jets at The Indianapolis Colts
This game is the Manning Paradox. Peyton owns New York head coach Rex Ryan and the Jets - makes them his bitch routinely. Yet Peyton also makes it a habit to step on his dick in the playoffs.
WRNL's pick: Colts
Peyton will wait til the second round to choke and ESPN can finally quit pleasuring themselves to the Jets. Rex Ryan goes home to masturbate to foot porn.
The Baltimore Ravens at The Kansas City Chiefs
The Chiefs have outperformed all expectations even without the services of Christian Okoye. No one predicted this to happen and in AFC nonetheless. They make the Bears as a 2 seed seem like a perfectly logical and reasonable outcome. The Ravens have been somewhat underwhelming, with all due respect to their win tally.
WRNL's pick: Ravens
The Chiefs are good, the Ravens are better. Also the spelling of Flacco is really close to that of Falco - which is never a bad thing.
The Green Bay Packers at The Philadelphia Eagles
The Packers have a had a brutal season full of injuries and are still reeling from Brett not showing them his penis first. The Eagles are resurgent under parolee Vick and WRs Jackson and Maclin are almost as good as they are cocky.
WRNL's pick: Packers
The Packers are back on track after beating the Bears to close out the season and Vick has been mortal the last few weeks as defenses remember he's fast.
Errr... we fucked up. It turns out the Packers disbanded their cheerleading squad some 20 yrs ago - weak. We are now picking the Eagles to win this one. Definitely the Eagles.