The Human SEC-tipede: A&M Sequence

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***Interior: SEC commissioner's Mike Slive's office. Mike Sherman, Bill Byrne & an Aggie Yell Leader enter.***

Mike Slive: Welcome gentlemen. Thank you for meeting me here today.

Bill Byrne: Of course, Mr. Slive! Thank YOU for taking the time to personally welcome your newest members!

Yell Leader: FURK YEAH! RIFFETY, RIFFETY, RIFF-RAFF!

Mike Slive: That is delightful. Always nice to see that Aggie spirit in person.

Mike Sherman: (nods off)

Yell Leader: RAH RAH TEAM! FARMERS FIGHT! FARMERS FIGHT!

Mike Slive: Ermm, yes. Again, delightful. Listen Mr. Byrne, do you know why I called you here today?

Bill Byrne: Well, no; I assumed you wanted to talk about Texas A&M impending move to...

Yell Leader: SAW 'EM OFF! SAW 'EM OFF!

Mike Slive: Look, can you put a gag on him?

Bill Byrne: Sorry, he just does that. Filled to the brim with Aggie spirit, he is.

Mike Slive: Fine, it won't matter much in a few moments anyway. As I was about to say, I've called you all here today to discuss a certain item that needs to be taken care of before the SEC can accept A&M as full members.

Bill Byrne: Of course! Whatever you need the Aggies to do, we will personally take care of it. We could not be more EXCITED to join the SEC.

Mike Sherman: (nods off)

Mike Slive: Excellent...

Bill Byrne: Did you just tent your fingers like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons?

Mike Slive: Perhaps; he is a bit of a role model. Listen, Mr. Byrne, given your school's initials, you must have heard of the curious sexual peccadillo known as ATM?

Bill Byrne: Umm, yes? You are referring to, uhhh... ass-to-mouth, right? I'll admit that I hear the things our students talk about on campus.Let me tell you Mr. Slive, times have changed since Marilyn and I got together.

Mike Slive: Ha, indeed. These are WONDERFUL times we are living in. Truly filthy. Let me ask you; Mr. Byrne, with what you know regarding the ATM fetish, have you also heard of a little film entitled "The Human Centipede?"

Bill Byrne: Oh dear lord! I think my son may have mentioned the movie in passing. That's the one where a mad scientist sews people's mouths to their...um...you know... bottoms. Look, where is all this go...

Mike Slive: DO! NOT! QUESTION! ME!!!

(Byrne cowers behind his chair. Slive slowly rises from his desk and turns on an overhead projector.)

Mike Slive: Now Mr. Byrne, your university would like to join the Southeastern Conference. We would like to accept you. But as I said, there is a catch. There is a certain... initiation ritual all universities must go through before they are accepted into this conference. A ritual to prove they are truly worthy.

Bill Byrne: I don't like where this is heading...

Mike Slive: Nor should you, my dear Mr. Byrne. For you and your colleagues are about to undergo a wondrous medical procedure. An experiment in creating a unified organism with three of the leading lights of Texas A&M:

The yell leader, representing the students of A&M; who were so vocal about leaving the Big XII.

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Mr. Sherman, who represents the football program; which is driving conference realignment all across the land.

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Mike Sherman: (nods off)

Mike Slive: Delightful. And you, Mr. Byrne; the athletic director who has been so willing to follow the whims of the rabble and madding crowd.

The three of you shall undergo an operation in which the mouth of your yell leader will be surgically grafted to your own anus Mr. Byrne. In turn, your mouth will be grafted to the anus of Mr. Sherman. I will create a Siamese triplet, connected via the gastric system. A fully functioning, newly formed creature which survives on it's own waste. Ingestion by Sherman, passing through Byrne, to the excretion of the yell leader. The human SEC-tipede, A&M sequence.

Bill Byrne: Oh god, I have to be in the MIDDLE?!

Mike Slive: Indeed, my dear Mr. Byrne. You're about to find out what football is like in the deep South, where games are treated as religious ceremonies, coaches are demi-gods and everything is just a bit...weirder. You think your university is strange with the mason jars, bonfires and nut-grabbing? You ain't seen NOTHING yet.

Bill Byrne: SHERMAN! For the love of god, RUN! Get help!

Mike Sherman: (nods off)

Yell Leader: PASS IT BACK! PASS IT BACK! GIG 'EM, AGGIES!

Mike Slive: Why, I think our young yell leader has the idea! Pass it back, indeed...

Bill Byrne: JESUS CHRIST, SOMEBODY HEEEELLLLLLPPP!!!

***Exit through Mike Slive's door as Slive advances on the three with a scalpel. Welcome to the SEC, A&M.***

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