New to WRNL: Lattimer Watch!We realize that we've been lacking in content, but we assure you fearless reader that we've been working tirelessly, and hand in hand with the CIA, in order to fully understand the phenomenon that is Cyclone Defensive End Jake Lattimer, so we can predict the path, time, and magnitude of the destruction and havoc he can wreak.
After a recent incident where Cyclone DE - and all around bad ass - Jake Lattimer was arrested for "assaulting a peace officer," whom quite frankly we all know had it coming, we at WRNL became aware that the Latt has a history of not taking shit from fools anywhere. Back in JUCO, he apparently took on 3 dudes at one time, which resulted in 6 broken bones, a myriad of bruises and at least 2 bicycle seats shoved up somebody's ass. When Lattimer was 5 years old, another child at his day care stole a couple of The Latt's crayons (cardinal and gold, apparently) and in retaliation, Lattimer bit off three of his fingers, chewed them into bits of flesh, bone and blood, and proceeded to regurgitate them down the offender's throat, thus forcing him to eat himself.
That child never stole another crayon.
Because of this, we felt it was our necessary public duty to keep folks aware of the possibility of Lattimer Attacks in their area. Now, we know that the Latt is a vengeful and angry force of nature. The Latt giveth, and the Latt taketh away. For these reasons, a Latt Attack can and will come swiftly and without warning, like a thief in the night. It may be difficult to predict exactly, but we have come up with a scaled system that we hope will provide the general citizenry (except Hawk fans) with an accurate warning system so that they can prepare themselves (to the extent one can possibly prepare) for the inevitable whirlwind of chaos, pain, and complete and utter demolition that is Lattimer. The Department of Homeland Security has graciously allowed us to use their Terrorism Threat Advisory System.Green
: Low risk of Lattimer Attack. At this stage, a Lattimer Attack is highly unlikely. Lattimer is probably sleeping or confined to his lead lined dormitory ... probably, but still watch your ass. Blue
: General risk of Lattimer Attack. You have tripped the Latt's radar and may have possibly angered him in some way. Did you question his greatness recently? Or has your wardrobe taken on too much black & gold? Did you dress up like a cop for halloween? Watch yourself - but an attack is probably not imminent.Yellow
: Elevated risk of Lattimer Attack. You have angered the Latt. You might be seriously fucked at this point - do you have a bomb shelter of some type? Finish up that will on legalzoom, just in case. Begin defensive preparations, try sacrificing something - it can't hurtOrange
: High risk of Lattimer Attack. Now you've done it. The Latt is on his way. There is an outside chance to avert the destruction, but its become increasingly unlikely. Lattimer runs a 40 under 4 seconds - and he can maintain it all the way to your doorstep. Time is of the essence. Can you leave the country? Try to buy a boat and live permanently at sea - Lattimer hates squid. Red
: Severe risk of Lattimer Attack. Christ son - what did you do? You are 100 percent, completely fucked. Death and destruction will rain down upon you. Rivers of blood will flow. May God himself have mercy on your unwashed heathen soul. It would be best to move to an open feild so no bystanders are hurt in the process.
Remember to check back later this week, and every week for our state-wide Lattimer Attack Forecasts. Updates will be issued as we sense changes in the Latt's mood. Lastly folks, remember that WRNL is your ONLY certified source of Lattimer Attack Awareness. We suggest that you never leave your house without checking in here first.