Know Your Enemy 2011: OK State

Know Your Enemy 2011 rolls along in what is surely this season's most ridiculous installment.  If molestation jokes and 70 year old men lactating offend, might as well quit while you're ahead.  Hopefully OSU fans take it well and don't try and murder me in Stillwater in 2012.

STADIUM:
The Cowboys battle it out at The Stadium Formerly Known As Lewis Field. In it's prime, it was an erector set joke that made Jack Trice look like a BCS facility. Today it's been reduced to a shining monument to the power of petroleum, thanks to a generous tax write off for uber oil tycoon T. Boone Pickens.


Man, they really dicked that up, eh?

Despite adding a good 10,000 seats, OSU's average attendance has pretty much stayed the same due to the fact that for some reason (even after getting a free stadium addition) the administration tried to tax an already smallish fan base into extinction. In order to gain primo seating, Ok State donors are required to sacrifice their first born, a fertile virgin, and a goat. Apparently, T. Boone is a vengeful and angry God.
TBoone
An inside look at OK State athletic department meetings

TEAM: The Cowboys are led by 43 year old QB (and first Heisman Candidate with an enlarged prostate) Brandon Weeden.  
weeden
That's why I looove these freshman girls.  I get older, they stay the same age.

He's aided by all-universe WR Justin Blackmon. They could probably surrender 35 points a game and still win 10 games. If we keep them under 50, I'll be shocked.

Their coaching staff has had an interesting off-season losing former OC, Iowa native, fashionista, and WRNL's new favorite head coach Dana Holgerson to West Virginia. However, they're still lead by HC Mike Gundy. As everyone on the face of the planet knows, Gundy claims to be 40, and moreover, a man. However, WRNL has also learned that Gundy may also be a Guido fuck-stick after pictures of Gundy and those shriveled jizz rags from Jersey Shore were delivered to us via an "anonymous source" (coughLandThievescough). We don't know if Gundy has tagged the Snookasauras yet, but one can only assume it's a matter of time.
guidomikegundy
You see dis haaaaycut?  All my boyeez have dis haaaaycut!

MASCOT: Pistol Pete was born to missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints who had come to Oklahoma to clean the unwashed heathens, clothe the naked, and hold skits about how alcohol hurts the family. Pete's childhood years were marred with many personal struggles. At age 8, he was diagnosed with male mutation Achard-Thiers syndrome (which causes unnatural facial hair in diabetic women) as well as Cranial Elephantitis. By age 9, Pete had developed his now iconic mustache. Pete was ridiculed daily by his classmates who mocked his excessive body hair and oversized skull. It was this sense of rejection that made Pete emotionally vulnerable.
pistolpetechildhood
Pistol Pete in happier times.

At age 12, Pete was left in the care of his uncle Ernest while his parents were on a mission to Africa. While Pete was sleeping, Uncle Ernie sexually molested Pete. This molestation would occur periodically over the next several years.

Due to the sexually repressed nature of the Mormon Church, Pete was ashamed of the abuse and blamed himself. Rather than tell anyone what happened, Pete took the shame of his molestation, and the anguish of his rejection at the hands of his peers and entered the sordid world of mascoting. He quickly became identified as a rising star in the Oklahoma mascot circuit, but he couldn't hide his demons any longer. At age 19, during the half time of a junior high boy's basketball game in Tulsa, Pete fondled the 12 year old point guard.

While Pete was horrified that he had inflicted the same kind of abuse that had been forced on him as a child, he found himself unable to stop. Much like the Catholic Church, the Oklahoma Mascot Association moved Pete from school to school in hopes that this dirty little secret would go away. The raping however, continued.

Despite Pete's appetite for pre-pubescent boys, his prowess as a mascot remained unmatched. He was now getting attention from the big leagues, and an offer from Oklahoma State brought Pete to the forefront of the Oklahoman mascot scene. However, Pete's raping had gotten out of control, as he turned on his fellow mascots. Several months after his promotion to the big leagues, Pete was apprehended trying to penetrate Boomer and Sooner with an eggplant. Recognizing the possibility of a public relations scandal, Oklahoma State, with their limitless budget entered Pete into rehab with Dr. Drew.

In rehab, Pete dealt with his demons head on, and today the Oklahoma State Athletic Department is proud to say that Pete has not committed an act of sexual deviance in over 10 years. Like any addict, Pete's struggle is never over, and it's a battle he still fights on a day to day basis. We here at WRNL hope that by publicizing Pete's illness, we can help the rest of the Big 12 community provide Pete with that the love, support, and understanding he so desperately needs and give him the strength to refrain from raping children ever again.

See Timmy?  It goes off you when squeeze it.

We are happy to report that as a term of his treatment, Pete has been allowed to keep his mustache.

AGAINST ISU:  Oklahoma State has beaten ISU more times than we've beaten them, but it's not nearly as lopsided as say Oklahoma/ISU.  We aren't going to bother looking up the record because barring Justin Blackmon getting hit by a bus, we won't beat them this year.  Don't act like you came here looking for insight.  If you want to feel slightly better about the up-coming loss, click here for some historical Cyclone ownage of the Pokes.  



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