Intervention: Missouri

Hello Missouri. Please, have a seat. You may be wondering why the Big XII called you here today. It's not for that all-night coke party we promised. That's right, we lied to you Missouri, but we lied out of love.

Missouri, the Big XII is here to help you understand that you have a problem. A problem with yourself, and a problem with other conferences. Why, just last year you threw yourself at the Big 10, and now you can't keep your hands off of the SEC. The SEC, Mizzou. Don't you understand how DESPERATE you look right now?

Look, everyone here understands that you're upset. We're upset too. And we understand the flirting with the Big 10. I mean, the Big 10 is completely lame, and a bit out of touch (not to mention WAY too old for you), but the Big 10 is stable. Consistent. Not to mention loaded. So yeah Missouri, we get it.

But the SEC? This constant running around on us is getting out of hand. Again, everyone here understands your problems with some unnamed members of this conference. Some members who only seem to be looking out for themselves. Yes, that unnamed member is a total bitch who's trying to stab us all in the back. And yes, their  voracious greed has to be kept in check. But this isn't the way, Mizzou. This isn't the way.

Missouri, can we just talk about the SEC? They are no good for you, and you know it. Just look what they did to those poor kids down the street, Arkansas & South Carolina. They were solid programs (just like you!) in their original conferences, and they just made their way back to relevance last year. Over 15 years later! Do you want that to happen to you? Do you?! Lying dead at the bottom of the SEC with Vanderbilt and Kentucky?!

Not to mention that the SEC has already hooked up with that weirdo in the next town over. You know the one? Obsessed with the military, smells a little funny, starts fires? Do you really want to be the SEC's sloppy seconds after THAT? Can't you see that the SEC is just USING YOU?!

(Deep breath)

Hey, hey, I'm sorry. I got a little overexcited there. But we have a history here. We've been together for over 100 years. We've had a lot of good times together, and it hurts everyone in this room to see you prostituting yourself this way. Look, Kansas is here. Remember Kansas? The Border War? Why, that's the best rivalry based on racial intolerence in the country! Do you really want to give that up to go lose to Alabama by 30 points each year?

And what about us, Missouri? The telephone trophy? Sure, it's not the world's largest cocktail party or Ohio State-Michigan, but it's ours. It's something we've shared for a long while, and you can't run away from that. No matter what Gary Pinkel tells you.

So Missouri, the Big XII is here for you. We love you, and want you to be a part of our family. But this constant instability that you're causing is driving us all crazy. We need you to be a committed member, and help us welcome that new Mormon group that just moved in.