The Apologetic Big 12

Kevin Jairaj-US PRESSWIRE - Presswire

The Big 12 has made some mistakes in its time as a conference. The Big 12 knows it messed up, and would like to say it's sorry.

Yesterday, newspapers reported that Big 12 officials apologized to Oklahoma State head coach Mike Gundy over Texas' missed goal-line fumble in last Saturday's OSU-UT game. Big 12 officials quickly responded that those reports were incorrect; and stated that there had been no apology issued. However, the Big 12 did take time to release a list of apologies for mistakes the conference has made over the past 18 years.

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Great work, Johnny!

  • The oh-so-current logo, created by precocious fifth-grader Johnny Menkins in third-period computer class back in 1994.
  • Nebraska. Just the whole state.
  • "Points are a limited resource, guys! The Big 12's reckless scoring is creating a shortage in other conferences! Just look at the terrible offensive output from schools in the Big Ten!"
  • The failure to take down the kingpins behind the Missouri Tigers, a crime syndicate who used the university as a front to manufacture and distribute low-grade meth to the general populace.
  • The conference's inability to count (10 =/= 12).
  • Insufficient fire-safety instructions posted in West Virginia's stadium, which allowed West Virginia and Baylor to set the field ablaze, taking the life of several cornerbacks. RIP, Joe Williams.
  • Creating a conference game so exciting it turned Nick Saban from evil defensive-minded dwarf into a crotchety old man ranting about how things used to be better back in the day. Watch that back-sass, son; or Saban'll get the hickory switch.
  • Feline AIDS. Not the Big 12's fault in any way; just really, really sad.
  • "Big 12 conference network? Who the hell would want to watch that? APPROVAL DENIED."
  • The CoLOLorado BuffaLOLes.
  • Letting Texas A&M ruin an old man's dying wish in 1998. RIP, Bill Snyder.

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Join the purple side of the force...

  • Harboring undead warlocks.
  • Letting Missouri play football circa 2004.
  • Letting Kansas play football circa 2005.
  • Moving the Big 12 basketball tournament from its ancestral home in basketball-crazed Kansas City to the basketball wasteland of Dallas, Texas for a few years.
  • Unequal revenue distribution. No joke here, it was just really fucking dumb.
  • Allowing Texas A&M and their mason jar-toting yell leaders anywhere near high-functioning members of society. Decent women and children in Iowa, Kansas and Oklahoma still bear the trauma of the Aggie's time in the conference.
  • Summer of Terror '10: CONFERENCE REALIGN-MAGEDDON.
  • Summer of Terror '11: REALIGN-MAGEDDON II: The Quickening. Worst franchise idea in history.
  • The conference's insistence that the conference name be written as "Big 12" instead of the much classier "Big XII."
  • "Today, we are proud to announce Dan Beebe as the next commissioner of the Big 12 conference."

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