Messingham: Greetings, Cyclone Nation! I'd like to welcome everyone to round two of Quarterback Jeopardy, the only contest to feature all three Iowa State quarterbacks engaged in a battle of wits to determine who will be the starting quarterback for the rest of the season.
I'd like to remind our viewers that since I'm hosting this contest, there will be no adjustments made for round two. Point totals and categories will remain the same as round one. Will this give our players a competitive advantage? Probably not.
And just a reminder to all our contestants, this IS a competition. Someone, ANYONE, has to win this thing. I implore one of you to look like you're trying.
Jantz: Harsh, brah. This whole contest smacks of "effort."
Barnett: Shut up, dick. I should be running away with this thing. I've been playing this position my whole life! You just started playing quarterback 'cause you wanted a free trip to Hawaii.
Jantz: Not true, and hella uncool. It's also an excellent way to meet chicks.
Richardson: Heh, heh... Hey guys, we're all Cyclones here, right? No need to fight, let's just have a good, clean game.
Jantz & Barnett: Shut it, rookie bitch!
Messingham: Gentlemen, please! No more fighting! If you showed half this much energy on the field, we wouldn't need to host this ridiculous competition.
Now, let's take a look at our categories in round two:
Zone Read: All visual clues, that asks you to identify the correct read on ISU's most widely used running play.
Receiver Routes: Everyone on this stage has at least one year in the Cyclone offense, it should be a breeze for you to name the correct route for a receiver.
Cyclone or Not? Steele & Jared, with your history of turnovers; you may struggle a bit with this category. Visual clues again, you simply need to identify if the person shown is an Iowa State player or not.
Potent Potables: I have no idea what this means, but it seems to show up every few weeks on Jeopardy. What's that? It refers to alcoholic drinks? Well, that's appropriate...
Big XII Titles: Refers to the championship programs in the Big 12 conference.
Point to the football: I'm just going to hold up a football, and you just need to point to it. Got it?
Alright, let's all cross our fingers and hope this goes better than the first round. Steele, since you have the least amount of money, you control the board.
Jantz: Righteous. Uhhh... I'll take zone read for $200, Mess.
Messingham: Steele, we've talked about this. I'm your coach. Refer to me as coach, or Mr. Messingham.
Jantz: Not really into the whole "authority" thing, brah.
Messingham: Whatever. Now, in this image, what is the correct read? Keep the ball or hand to the running back?
Jantz: Uhhh... defensive end is crashing... Looks like a gap is opening on the right side of the line for the running back... What is keep the ball, try to juke the defensive end and get tackled in the backfield for a two yard loss?
Messingham: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. That doesn't make any sense, Steele.
Jantz: What is give the ball to the running back, then rip it out at the last second, forcing a fumble?
Messingham: What?! NO! That makes even LESS sense. Also, I shouldn't need to keep reminding you that this game isn't multiple choice.
Barnett: The correct answer is; What is hand the ball off to the running back for a touchdown?
Messingham: Correct! Nice work, Jared.
Barnett: Look douche, don't hate me just because I can actually run this play correctly.
Messingham: Let's just move on. Jared, please pick a category.
Barnett: Receiver routes for $200, coach.
Messingham: One back set, trips left. Outside receivers run flag routes against tight press coverage, slot receiver runs a slant to the open spot across the middle of the field. Running back stays home to block.
Barnett: What is bouncing a pass several feet behind the slot receiver?
Messingham: ...Really? You feel good about that answer?
Barnett: Sure am. As a coach's son, I know football.
Messingham: Jesus. Incorrect.
Jantz: What is roll to my right and fire the ball in between the safety and cornerback to my receiver?
Messingham: WHY WOULDN"T YOU JUST THROW IT TO THE SLOT GUY OPEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD?
Jantz: Seems like kind of a bitch move...
Messingham: You want to chime in here, Sam?
Richardson: Coach doesn't allow me to throw.
Messingham: Good point. Let's move on. Jared, you still control the board.
Barnett: Let's try Potent Potables for $200, coach.
Messingham: This explosive college cocktail contains Jagermeister and Red...
Jantz: What is a Jager Bomb.
Messingham: Correct! Although you knew that a little too quickly for my liking. Hit the books, not the bars, Steele. Please pick a category.
Jantz: I'll take Big 12 Titties for $1000, Mess.
Messingham: That's Big 12 TITLES. Titles, with an "L."
Jantz: All I know is I've seen the best at every school. Let's rock this shit.
Messingham: Ohhhh-kay... Since the Big 12's formation in 1996, this team has won a record seven Big 12 titles.
Jantz: What is Baylor?
Messingham: What are you talking about? Baylor's never even gotten close the a Big 12 championship.
Jantz: Man, are you kidding me? Those Texas Baptist ladies are choice. Perfect 10s.
Messingham: TITLES, DAMMIT!
You know what? Fuck it. We haven't found shit out about any of you today. Let's just move on to Final Jeopardy.
The category is "Two Minute Drill," an area in which I have little expertise. Everyone lock in your wagers? Good, let's see the question:
Alright gentlemen, your answers please? At least you all appear to have written something down. That's a start.
Sam, since you have the least amount of money, we'll start with you.
Messingham: That's great, Sam. Glad you're excited to be a Cyclone, but we were really looking for a number. Your wager?
Messingham: Fantastic. Again, needed an actual number, a mathematical digit. Somehow both your answer and wager managed to be incorrect.
Richardson: Just glad to be part of the program, coach. ALL IN!!!
Messingham: Fair enough. Moving on to Jared, I see you're still writing. And still writing. Writing WAY too much for what should be a fairly simple answer.
You know what? Just put the pen down. Let's see your answer.
Messingham: No! Jesus, we just need a simple number! One, two, three... You guys know what numbers are, right?
This is probably a fruitless exercise, but let's see your wager, Jared.
Messingham: Just as I suspected. You have successfully mind-fucked yourself, you noodly-armed son-of-a-bitch. Maybe try thinking a little less in the future.
Steele, I hesitate to even ask: You even try to answer this question?
Jantz: Sure did, brah. Check the screen:
Messingham: Wait, I'm not sure... But that appears to be a series of straight lines, indicating the number six! Six! That's a numeral! We can accept that! Let's see your wager!
Messingham: And it's a crudely drawn picture of a woman with enormous breasts holding a joint and a bong.
Jantz: Ha, thought you'd like that, you old horn dog. I got some Steele I'd like to show her, know what I mean, brah?
Messingham: I'm quite sure I don't. Anyway, you all failed. The correct answer to Final Jeopardy is zero. Zero first downs are needed on the final two drives of a game.
And that was a disaster! Thanks for watching at home, Cyclone nation! I'm going home, drawing a hot bath, and opening a couple of warm veins. Goodnight!