At an indiscriminate location last week, members of the corn elitist group, the Iowa Corn Growers Association, met with Iowa State Athletic Director Jamie Pollard and Iowa Athletic Director Gary Barta to discuss the new design’s for the Cy-Hawk Trophy. WRNL has the exclusive scoop on this meeting by obtaining the transcript where new ideas were discussed.
Warning: the following contains naughty language and several crudely drawn phalluses. Not Safe For Work. Proceed with cautionBarta: Hello, Jamie. What’s up on this fine morning?
Pollard: Hey Gary, not much. Yourself?
Barta: You know, the usual. Mentally preparing myself to deal with these corn-loving freaks.
Pollard: I hear ya man. I’m still having nightmares from the last meeting when that old dude started shoving a corncob up his bunghole.
Barta: Yeah, these guys have a weird obsession with cor-
ICGA: CORN IN THE HOUSE NIGGAZ!!!! CORN NIGGAZ IN PARIZ!
Pollard: (Sighs) Hello fellas. How we doing toda-
ICGA: We be living LARGE SON! Got all kinds of corn ethanol hood rat shiz going DOWN!
Barta: Uh… that’s great guys. So, what have you got for us?
ICGA: OH SHIT MAN!!! We gotz CORN!!!!! Have you heard about all the great things corn does?!? DUDE, we got corn plastic, corn fuel, corn dolls, corn dildos, corn syrup, cor-
Barta: Yes, yes, we are all aware of the wonderful… er, unique stuff you guys do with corn. I mean what have you got for us about the new trophy?
Pollard: Yes, for the love of god, stop waving that corn dildo around and show us some trophy concepts.
ICGA: Well, the dildo is a type of trophy? Right? No? Ok, time to be a boss. Before I show you the new ideas, are we 100% sure we don't want the original idea with the Pewter Family?
Pollard: My god, we have people making t-shirts mocking the first design. No, we do not want it!
ICGA: Just checking, because we thought the first one was really good. Absolutely sure? Ok, so our first idea is this epically epic picture. George in Keokuk came up with it.
Pollard: (Puts face in hands) Jesus Fucking Christ
Barta: Um, what else you got?
Pollard: Because a picture can not be a trophy!
ICGA: Ok, ok, how about this one. The intern Danny came up with it! It's a silver cup full of corn nuts from the Brooklyn, Iowa gas station!
Pollard: What in the hell does that have to do with an ISU and Iowa football game?
ICGA: DUDE, have you ever had corn nuts?!? They are way better than those other bitch nut crops like peanuts. Fucking George Washington Carver.
Pollard: (Stares down ICGA)
Barta: Ah, moving on quickly. What else? You know, maybe something football related? And maybe not slander one of our Alumni too.
ICGA: (under his breath) Fucking Carver.
ICGA: Anyway, how about this one. It’s a corn plant growing a football as the ear!
ICGA: Get it? Instead of a normal ear of corn, the plant is growing a football!!
Pollard: Well, you are getting closer, but that is an idea a 3 year old could come up with. You guys realize we are trying to come up with something for the next 50 years right? Not just some corn related promotion for the next 6 weeks. In fact, corn doesn't have to be involved at all!
ICGA: What? No Corn? No way, its gotta have corn! Corn is King! Ok, this one is really good. You guys are gonna love it as it really connects with the fans. It’s me holding some corn!
Pollard: These guys are retarded.
ICGA: You guys heard about Northern Corn Leaf Blight? It’s this wicked disease that cuts corn yields-
Pollard: (leans over to Barta and whispers) These morons are drunk on ethanol again.
(ICGA rambling in the background about corn diseases)
Pollard: We should have never left HY-VEE as a sponsor
Barta: I know.
Pollard: This was YOUR idea you dirtball.
Barta: Well the country’s newest, biggest rivalry needed a sponsor too.
Pollard: Oh bullshit, no one gives a fuck about Nebraska.
Barta: Whatever, Herbstreit is all over our new rivalry.
Pollard: Sure he is, don’t make me go billboard on your ass again.
ICGA: HEY, did you guys hear what I said? I SAID IT GIVES YOU POOR CORN YIELDS!
Pollard: Yeah, sure. Here is what is gonna happen. Gary and I are going to leave now before you break out the dildo again and start getting freaky on it. We will come up with an actual concept that connects the two universities and the football game. Maybe something with Jack Trice and Nile Kinnick. Once its finished, we will email you.
Barta: YES, what he said.
Pollard: Hold my dick, Gary.
Barta: (In a highly feminine voice) HEY!
ICGA: OK, ok here’s a good one. It’s a corn stalk with a football on top as the tassel…
(Both Pollard and Barta get up and leave)