Jamie Pollard Makes It Rain

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(Interior of The Lumberyard in Des Moines. Jamie Pollard and the rest of the Big XII ADs walk in the door. Pollard is wearing a full-length mink coat and fanny pack)

Jamie Pollard: Drink up, bitches! It's a celebration up in here!

DeLoss Dodds: Jamie, I gotta say you Iowa boys do things right. I always thought you were a bit uptight, but this here nudie-dancin' is right up my alley.

Kirby Hocutt: YEEEE-HAAWWW!!! (Shoots pistols in the air while dancing an old-timey jig)

Joe Castiglione: Jesus Christ, how did you get guns in here? Didn't the bouncer pat you down?

Hocutt: I BRING MA' GUNS EVERYWHERE! SHOT THE BOUNCER ON THE WAY IN!

Pollard: Shiiii-iiiit, Castiglione... relax son. If our brother from Texas Tech wants to get loose, let him get loose. The Big XII's new TV deal means we're SWIMMING in cash. WE run this show now!

But that's just an example; individually we continue to run our own departments in a fiscally responsible manner. I also must point out that that I have never literally swum in a pile of cash, Scrooge McDuck-style. I just wanted to illustrate a point about how well we're doing.

Dodds: Sir, you are literal to a fault. I like that about you. Now tell me, where could a man find the champagne room and two girlies with loose morals around here...

Ian McCaw: Gentlemen, please! As a man of faith, I insist that we leave this house of ill-repute immediately and make our way to the nearest church or par...

***Kirby Hocutt shoots Ian McCaw mid-sentence***

Castiglione: What the FUCK, Hocutt?! You just shot Baylor's AD! SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!

Hocutt: I JUST WINGED HIM! NO NEED FOR THE AMBULANCE! QUIT YER BELLYACHIN', McCAW!

Pollard: Brothers, please; Let's calm this mess down. We came here to celebrate our good fortune, not shoot each other in the foot. And I should say that while that sounds like I'm speaking figuratively, I am in fact being extremely literal; as Mr. Hocutt has indeed just shot Mr. McCaw in the leg.

But look at this new TV contract we just agreed to! $200 million per year! We were all making less than half that just last year! So I've got $20 million reasons to not give a FUCK right now! I'm riiiiiiiii-aaaattcchhh!

Chris Del Conte: Pssst! Hey, hey, you guys know Molly?

Castiglione: Molly? I'm not sure what you're referring to. Does she work here, or in TCU's athletic offices?

Del Conte: Naw man, c'mon! Don't be such a square, Castiglione! Listen guys, I got what you need, anything you want. What do you like, Pollard? I got ecstasy, coke, MDMA, pills...

Dodds: Y'all got Viagra?

Del Conte: Shit man, I got something better than Viagra. It's called Foxy. Like MDMA, but it gets you HARD, brother. You'll be humping like a jackrabbit all night! How many you need?

Pollard: C'mon Del Conte, keep that shit in your football program. We don't need any of that junk anyway, shit's for frat boys and kids on spring break. And if you think I need Viagra, you best take a look at who you're talking to. I'm Jamie Pollard, son! I'm knee deep in 'tang constantly!

But I'm just joking, mind you. Ellen and I are happily married and I would never dream of cheating on her. Just some innocent tomfoolery.

Charlie Weis: WHERE'S THE GODDAMN BUFFET!

Pollard: What? Who invited Weis? This was supposed to be an exclusive party, athletic directors only.

Weis: I just happened to in the neighborhood, and I can never pass up a good strip club spread. I also like the food here. Wordplay!

But seriously, I'm in town checking to see if AJ Derby might be interested in playing quarterback for the Jayhawks next... What's that? He's in Kansas RIGHT NOW? SHIT! Waitress! Wrap up ten pounds of buffalo wings! I'll eat 'em in the car!

***DeLoss Dodds has cornered the cocktail waitress***

Dodds: So listen, sugarlumps, I'm a very influential man. You want to be on TV, sweetheart? Ever hear of ESPN? I'm in close with them. Got my own TV studio and everything. I can make you the next Erin Andrews... Now why don't you come back to my hotel room and we'll see what happens...

Pollard: C'mon Dodds, leave that poor girl alone. You're over 70, for god's sake. Besides, you know you and Castiglione are just going to end up getting drunk in the corner and passing out at Denny's like you always do.

But I'm in it for the long haul tonight! My pockets are flush with cash, and I'm gonna put some girls through college! Preferably at a fine institution like Iowa State! I'm gonna make it rain up in here! Again, not literally! I mean when I throw paper bills in the air, the money falling to the ground is going to be reminiscent of rain!

McCaw: Please, in the name of all that's holy, can someone get me a bandage or something? I think I'm losing a lot of blood...

Pollard: That's right, blood! Fuck the haters! And by that, of course I'm speaking metaphorically! I do not intend to have intercourse with everyone who disagrees with me! DJ, drop that beat!

(D/R Period blasts through the speakers. Pollard dances on stage while throwing handfuls of cash in the air. Welcome to the new Big XII)

DR Period - Money (OFFICIAL VIDEO) (via rockboyrecords2)

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