With football season rapidly approaching, it dawned on me that we here at WRNL have yet to complete our annual briefing of the unfamiliar schools on the Cyclones schedule. Welcome to our universally reviled "Know Your Enemy" Series: A guide to the unfamiliar schools on the Cyclones’ football schedule that has been accused of xenophobia, misogyny, and religious bigotry. It is time to enter a new edition in this series as we begin to welcome Big 12 newcomers. First up, TCU.
Continue after the jump
STADIUM: The Texas Christian University Horned Frogs will open their tenure in the Big 12 stadium in an absolute palace of a renovated Amon G. Carter Stadium. These luxurious new digs beg the question: If a beautiful stadium routinely sits empty, is it really a stadium? You see, "Purple Baylor" isn’t just a clever nickname. Just like real Baylor, Purple Baylor makes a tradition of ignoring unprecedented success from their football program. We can assume, that just like real Baylor, Purple Baylor blames this on small enrollment, rather than the likely reality that their upper-crust student body/alumni are more interested in things like "jumping the hilly brush" and naming their kids "Chet".
TEAM: We all know that TCU has been really fucking good lately. They beat Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl and they’ve been winning 10+ games a season for like a decade or so. QB Casey "El Tinfoilio Luchador" Pachall returns after a stellar sophomore season to lead the offense.
Unfortunately for TCU, it appears that about half their defense decided to get high one day, watch Scarface, and proceed to think that they were all a bunch of little Tony Montanas. Half of the TCU defense has now "said good night to the bad guy" and got booted out of school (and off of the football squad) due to their un-Christian-like behaviors. The Frogs took a big hit in all of this, but will still be a tough out.
MASCOT: We really thought that the Big 12 couldn’t get any worse in terms of stupid mascots. There’s Willie the Wildcat, with his cat’s-head-on-a-human-body ridiculousness. There’s Pistol Pete, and his unwavering pedo-stache that could make Sandusky blush. The new blood has to be an upgrade, right?
Mashing up Willie’s terrible "animal head on a human" body with a design that looks like something out of "My Pretty Pony", TCU has created a true entertainment abortion. We give you, Super Frog. Yes, that’s right. Super Frog. If you think this is a ridiculously dumb name for a mascot, you should see what it was originally called. Prior to 1979, Super Frog was known as Addy the All-American Frog.
TRADITIONS: As you may already be aware of, Texas Christian University is located in Texas. This means that in true idiot Texan fashion, they have a school "hand signal" that fans and alums flash at each other to show that they are fans of their particular Texas school. Because, you know, they don’t make t-shirts.
Anyhow, in a field rife with examples of complete lame-ness, such as Texas A&M’s "Gig ‘Em" and Baylor’s laughably pathetic "Sic ‘Em", TCU has opted for something that looks like curled up bunny ears. Seriously. This is supposed to be cool, or scary, or something. I don’t know what its called. I don’t care. All I know is that out of all the stupid Texas school hand signals, Little Bunny Fufu has taken the god damn cake.
AGAINST ISU: We have a losing record against to TCU thanks to Dan McCarney sucking at overtime, and a very strange 2005 Houston Bowl, a game most notable for CylentButDeadly shitting his pants at the tailgate.
Welcome to the Big 12, TCU. Now jam that little bunny fufu up your ass and go fuck yourself.