WRNL PAC: Where's the Earth Certificate, Oklahoma?

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Seventh in a ten-part series: Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6

Hello America, WRNL PAC is back with another dispatch from the heart of Big XII country! It's been a rough week, but I'm glad to say that your humble correspondents have made it to Norman, Oklahoma in one piece.

But it was pretty touch-and-go for awhile. If you recall, the residents of Manhattan, Kansas torched WRNL PAC's campaign bus after a particularly heated debate about the merits of Iowa State versus Kansas State. So we've been hitchhiking to the final few university towns.

Got picked up just outside of Stillwater by an older gent by the name of Willie Lester. Well, turns out that ol' Willie enjoys himself some road sodas while driving, and he started getting a little belligerent after he found out what team WRNL PAC represents. It seems that Willie is still a little sore about Iowa State knocking Oklahoma State out of the national title hunt last year.

Well, once the handgun made an appearance, it was pretty clear it was time to say our goodbyes. So after diving out of the car on the highway and hiding in a ditch all night, we were able to catch the next bus into Norman. Which is key, because much like WRNL PAC after our night on the side of the freeway, Oklahoma is also covered with a particularly foul stench.

But not the stench of manure and roadside trash. No, the stench of corruption. Because ever since the University of Oklahoma was founded in 1890, the Sooners have been illegitimate contenders for conference championships.

You see, the Sooners play, practice and live on stolen land. Land that was taken from the Native Americans in the 1800s, before President Grover Cleveland proclaimed the area open for settlement. So the Sooners were looking to get a head start, and they took a few liberties with the law. Hey, it's understandable. If you're not cheating, you're not trying, right?

WRONG.

This is the Big XII, not the SEC. We hold ourselves to a higher standard in this conference. A more honorable standard. And that's how it starts. First the Sooners take a little land. Then they take a little more. Before you know it, they're stealing championship trophies and running roughshod over the Big XII bylaws!

Is that what we want? Illegitimate rulers with tenuous claims to power? This is America! If we can't even trust Oklahoma to not steal the land their university is located on, how can we trust them to win the Big XII honestly? Because it's true, Oklahoma has won six of the last ten Big XII championships. But how can we trust that Oklahoma won those trophies honestly? Those victories are tainted, my friends.

Now, before you dismiss this as the insane ramblings of a few unhinged conspiracy nuts who are jealous that things aren't going their way; know that WRNL PAC has done a lot of research into the matter, and uncovered some disturbing facts. Facts that will be revealed when the time is right. But not right now. Go to our website, www.earthersfortruth.com and sign up for our mailing list. You'll receive one verified, true fact about the Oklahoma Sooners a day. For instance, did you know that the Sooners forged the "legal" deed to their land and used it to claim a spot in this great conference? It's true! Join Earthers For Truth today! Literally dozens have already signed up!

Really, the only honorable thing for Oklahoma to do is to produce the real, verified deed for the land their university is located on. Otherwise, how can we be sure that Oklahoma is really one of us? A real Big XII member? Honestly, haven't they always seemed a little different? A little... off?

Hey, we're just asking questions here! Questions that need to be asked, because Oklahoma wasn't properly vetted when they joined the Big 8 conference in 1919. The Big 8 just voted the Sooners in, no questions asked! Just because they happened to be an excellent candidate for membership!

Well, I don't know about you, but I don't want to live with a conference that can just allow Oklahoma to keep winning championships like this. We can clearly see that Oklahoma's values are not the Big XII's values. But yet here they are, year after year at the top of the Big XII, making a mockery of our beloved institution.

I say it's time we fight back against Oklahoma's tyranny! Their land-grubbing ways are leading us down the path to becoming some kind of quasi-SEC-style conference! Stand up for Big XII-exceptionalism! We ARE the Big XII! We ARE special!

This year, the real members of the Big XII need to impeach Oklahoma. Let a true member of the Big XII rise up and take their rightful place at the top of the conference. That team needs to be Iowa State. This year, choose Iowa State to be the Big XII champion. Iowa State: A humble school from the heartland with all its papers in order.

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