Disciples of Christ: 3-0
Having completed the in-season sweep of Big 12 foes Baylor and TCU, along with victories against non-conference opponents BYU and Campbell; Iowa State University realized their ultimate goal last week:
Complete and total annihilation of every religious university in the country.
"As a state institution, Iowa State is required to keep a clear separation between religion and our educational mission," athletic director Jamie Pollard explained while performing a pagan dance to awaken the underworld deity Yog-Sogoth. "So we can't promote any religion over any other at our school. But that doesn't mean we can't try to destroy every other school's theological beliefs and orthodoxy."
The godless Cyclones edged one step closer to their mission last Wednesday night, beating Baptist institution Baylor 87-82 in Waco. As Pollard explained, the first step involves besting every religious university in the country in athletic competition. The second step is believed to include opening a portal to the netherworlds that will usher in a new age of darkness and insanity that will last for the next 1000 years. There is no third step.
"This is our mission; this is our crusade," Pollard continued. "We will sweep through the believers like bezerkers from the north, looting and pillaging all religious schools in our path. None shall be spared."
University president Steven Leath may be new to the school, but he says he is firmly on board with Iowa State's blasphemous goals, "Just last week, I took TWO dollars from a local church collection plate in Waco. And don't even ask what happened to the chapel on TCU's campus. Let's just say that the communion wine was blessed with a little 'recycled water' that week. FEEL THE FORCES OF DARKNESS."
While sweeping Baylor, BYU, Campbell and TCU this year is a good start, Iowa State plans on expanding their unholy war next year. Already, Iowa State has scheduled non-conference football and basketball games against Georgetown, Liberty, Loyola, Oral Roberts, Notre Dame, Southern Methodist, St Johns and St. Marys. "We're starting off with the bigger religious schools." head basketball coach Fred Hoiberg explained. "Once we take those sanctimonious sheep out, we feel like the world will take notice of our message of evil. Then we can start working our way down to the smaller schools like the College of the Ozarks and Colegio Biblico Pentacostal de Puerto Rico." When it was pointed out that the latter school didn't appear to have a basketball team, Hoiberg seemed unfazed. "Even better. We'll crush their spirits before they even know what hit them. Hail Satan."
While this jihad seemingly came out of nowhere, a careful study of Iowa State's history shows how long ago the foundation was laid. Many fans at Iowa State athletic competitions can be heard taken the Christian lord's name in vain and damning gods from multiple faiths to hell. Additionally, the football and basketball teams have made ritual animal sacrifice a weekly practice for years, killing bears, hawks, wildcats and cattle, among others. Recently, the Cyclones have taken their bloodlust even further, moving into human sacrifice; ritualistically slaughtering cowboys, raiders and mountaineers.
And Iowa State seems destined to succeed in their profane quest. Earlier this week, Jamie Pollard gathered the heads of the university administration and athletic programs to his office, where he had built a crude shrine in the center of a pentagram made of candles. "All gathered, let us pray... wait, that's not the right word. Not prayer... Let us exhort Satan to send us Marquette in the first round of the NCAA tournament this year," Pollard intoned, his face covered by a mask made out of a goat's head. "Sweet Satan, allow Hoiberg's minions will carve up those Jesuit bastards like the Wisconsin lambs they are. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cythulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."
Those last words appear to be lifted from an HP Lovecraft book, and it's unknown if they have any real world impact on the forces of good and evil. Barring upcoming opponents in the NCAA tournament, Iowa State's next religious-affiliated opponent will be Baylor next October 19. It's recommended that residents of Waco stock up on holy water, bibles and the religious iconography of their chosen faith. It may also be a good idea to huddle in an underground bunker until the sacrilegious storm of Iowa State has passed.