Dear Mr. Ubben,
We at Wide Right & Natty Lite couldn't help but notice that Iowa State was once again left off your annual Ultimate Big 12 Road Trip list. We can't say that we're particularly shocked by our omission, as after all, you've infamously stated time and time again that poor, little Iowa State hasn't warranted a visit from an esteemed journalist like yourself. In your position as Big 12 blogger for ESPN, however, we at WRNL and the ISU fan base as a whole, feel as if this slight goes against your journalistic integrity and although our beloved Cyclones may not move the proverbial needle, Iowa State was one of the original members of the Big 12 conference and the Cyclone brand is stronger than ever. Why you've failed to realize that and at least pay us the respect of a visit is beyond us.
This isn't a griping and complaining lettter, though, so we'll not delve down that road. While we as Cyclone fans are less than thrilled about your travel plans next fall, we're willing to put those feelings of ill will aside and do what we as Iowans do best; be nice.
You see, David, despite our better judgment and against a strong urge to tell you to get bent, we instead have decided that if you won't come visit us in Ames in a professional capacity, we're willing to help bring you here as a fan of Big 12 football.
According to your Ultimate Big 12 Road Trip, you'll be taking a trip to Norman, Oklahoma on October 5th to watch TCU play the Sooners. What we propose is that you head north a few days earlier and come to Ames on Thursday, October 3rd to watch Iowa State kick off conference play against the biggest, baddest bully on the Big 12 block, Texas. Not only is that game set to be telecast by your employer, but it is guaranteed to be a packed house in Jack Trice Stadium and a national spotlight game on a week night, where Iowa State has been dangerous.
Now to our offer. If ESPN doesn't pony up and send you here on their dime, WRNL will purchase a ticket for you and put you up for one night in a hotel (transportation costs not included). To sweeten the pot, we'll throw in unlimited beer (we're preferential toward Natty Lite) and tailgating food. The tailgate scene in Ames is some of, if not the best you'll find in the conference and early October is a fine month to be outside in Iowa.
I know this Thursday game might throw off your regular routine of watching Grey's Anatomy and New Girl, but that's what DVR is for, right? I know I've already got my DVR programmed to record It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The League.
I realize that in a public format like this blog, this invite may reek of desperation and come off as a pathetic gesture in an attempt at relevancy, but to that I say this; is this invite any more embarrassing than the thought of having to ask why you've been to that hellhole that is Waco multiple times and not once to Ames?
Let us exceed your already low expectations, David. Let us show you and by proxy, the rest of the Big 12 that we in Ames not only know how to party, but we know how support our football team, which in case you hadn't noticed, just so happens to be gaining ground as a program and becoming more and more respectable by the year.
You're not going to get a better offer than this (unless T. Boone Pickens comps you for a weekend of course). Do the right thing and end this ridiculous avoidance stance of yours. We'll see you October 3rd if you're man enough to show.