The Big 12 as Game of Thrones

Jerome Miron-US PRESSWIRE

We swear on Fred's Holy name that we had put this together before Burnt Orange Nation put out their own, excellent "Big 12 as Game of Thrones" piece! It's just that I was too hungover from Stanley Cup victory celebrations to get mine out in time. Either way, great minds think alike. Sort of.

The Currents

Texas: Tywin Lannister

Ruthless and powerful, they rule the roost with an iron fist. They aren't afraid to get in bed with other evil, ruthless entities like ESPN or House Frey. However, there's a shocking level of loyalty to family. Both had opportunities to throw their beneficiaries into the ocean for dead, but declined to do so. There's always power in keeping those bloodlines pure.

Texas Tech: Jamie Lannister

Tywin's child. Fucks their sister. Was once regarded as one of the most skilled warriors in Westeros/the Big 12. Noted for their unconventional and sacrilegious methods for besting their opponents, they received a strong dose of humility upon losing their sword hand/locking Adam James in the closet. Both are now viewed in a more sympathetic light as they look to rebuild their legacy.

Oklahoma: Joffrey Baratheon

The product of incest. The worst fucking person ever. Whiny, spoiled, and unable to rule the realm properly. Kind of like Bob Stoops' comments on the SEC, track record in bowl games, and the fact that he wears a fucking visor.

Iowa State: Tyrion Lannister

A drunken, whoring midget. One of the most likeable members of their dysfunctional family, but mostly because they're a good time and not much of an apparent threat. Very intelligent, but still required to do what their father says be it putting games on the LHN or marrying Sansa Stark. Owes much of their wealth to their father, who could have thrown them into the ocean but didn't, because you know, he's a fucking Lannister.

Baylor: Stannis Baratheon

Religious lunatics who are not opposed to murder and do not endorse homosexuality.

Kansas State: Hodor

HODOR!

Kansas: Peter Baelish

Intelligent, cunning, but just an awful, snively little cock sucker at heart. You aren't sure if you can ever trust their loyalty, but they do come in handy at times. Sure knows how to work the system/basketball officiating.

Oklahoma State: Robb Stark

Born into the right family, with good bloodlines and shit loads of money. Tries to stage a rebellion to take control of Westeros/the Big 12. Ends up hoodwinked and fucked over by the Lannisters and dies in a bloody ambush (2011 ISU game).

West Virginia: Ygritte

Wild, sexy hill folk. Knows how to hunt and how to kill. Wanders into new territory (over the Wall/Big 12) and suddenly finds themselves ambushed and on the run. Seems too skilled to stay down for long though.

TCU: Jon Snow

The bastard son of Ned Stark/the State of Texas. Has the right blood line and the wrong last name. Constantly has to fight for respect, and has been relegated by its parent to the Night's Watch/shitty conference for years. Briefly fell in with the Wildlings/Big East, but has now crossed back over the Wall/into the Big 12. Last we saw, they were wounded, but definitely still alive.

The Formers

Missouri: Theon Greyjoy

Brought up by a good family that loved him as one of their own. Fucked them over at their first chance to gain more power, and ended up in a torture chamber (the SEC) getting their dick cut off, and thrown into a little wooden box.

Nebraska: Sansa Stark

Pretty, but stupid. Betrayed their family to get into bed with the Lannister's/Big 10 but has found life in their new situation to be dull, unsatisfying, a complete departure from what they anticipated and possibly dangerous.

Colorado: Danaerys Targareyan

A little too liberal. Born into extreme wealth. Has a fixation on playing with fire, be it using dragons to fry misogynistic slave holders or using cigarette lighters and one-hitters to fry their Trustafarian brains.

Aggy: Ramsay Snow. Completely fucking crazy. Has a fixation with mutilation and male genitalia.

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