A LATTIMER ALERT, CODE RED, HAS BEEN ISSUED FOR THE UNIVERSITY OF IOWA MARKETING DEPARTMENT IN IOWA CITY, IOWA. YOU ARE 100% FUCKED. THIS IS NOT A TEST. REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A TEST. THE FOLLOWING COUNTIES ARE IN THE DIRECT PATH OF THE LATT: POLK, JASPER, POWESHIEK, IOWA AND JOHNSON. IF YOU ARE TRAVELING EAST-BOUND ON INTERSTATE 80 BETWEEN DES MOINES AND IOWA CITY, PLEASE SEEK SHELTER IMMEDIATELY AND MAY GOD ALMIGHTY HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL.
Well, Iowa. You've done it now. You've pissed of the Latt. In case you don't remember, the Lattimer Alert System operates as follows:
Your bitch ass is sitting at Red Alert. 100% fucked. Chaos and destruction are coming your way. The Ped Mall will run red with the blood of a thousand dead hippies and Chicago suburbanites. You may be asking yourself "how did we so severely upset a guy who has been out of the game for over a year?" Well, here's the answer you fucking mongrels:
What the shit is this? You guys just can't quit co-opting agriculture can you? Is this a last ditch attempt at wooing fans since paying a gum-chomping curmudgeon $1 million per victory clearly isn't cutting the mustard?
Seems to me it's just posturing from a university who has nothing to do with agriculture, and whose alumni frequently mock a certain unnamed university that has become one of the worldwide leaders in the study of agriculture and has an entire outreach program which helps thousands of farmers state and nation wide every single day. You love to bash "Moo U" out one side of your mouth, while you shill and try to kiss ass out the other side of it.
I'm sorry Hawk fan, buying a god damn ANF shirt doesn't help farmers. Extensive research which develops new products and practices, as well as an Extension outreach program designed to assist in the implementation of these practices helps farmers. Guess which college actually does that? It ain't the U of I. No, you're too busy preparing Liberal Arts and English Literature majors the proper way to live in their parents' basement in Naperville with $50,000 in student loans while they pour lattes at Starbucks. Don't give me the "doctors and lawyers" line. Most of those folks got their undergrad somewhere else, and they probably account for 10% of your total student body. Most importantly, again, you haven't done shit for agriculture other than kiss ass with a fucking helmet sticker.
And that, is why you are 100% fucked. If there's anything the Latt can't stand, its a god-damn gold brickin' phony. Lord loves a workin' man. Kill whitey. Go State.
Today's Lattimer Alert was made possible by a grant from The Human Fund: Money. For people.