Damn, I Missed You, College Football

It's been too long. Please take us back, baby.

Hey college football, it's me, your fan.

Wait! Don't hang up the phone! Please, hear me out. You can give me that much, right?

Look, I know it's been a while. Eight months... too long. But it gave me time to think, and I've been doing a lot of it.

Thinking, I mean. About you.

I know we have a... uh, let's say... intermittent relationship. God, we must break up and get back together every year. But this time it's different. When you went away last January, it left a hole in my heart so deep that I didn't know if I could ever fill it. And the way you left... That bowl lineup was NOT a good way to end things. Alabama beating Notre Dame by 28 points? You could've tried a little harder in those last few weeks.

Waitwaitwaitwaitwait! Don't hang up! I didn't mean that! I didn't call to blame you! God, this isn't coming out right at all...

Let me try this again. I miss you, college football.

All these lonely days and nights without you... Empty Saturdays, wasted. I miss just waking up next to you, knowing we'd have the whole day together. Eating a lazy brunch watching College Football Live. Making fun of Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit and all the rest. And you'd have my full attention for the entire day, sunup to sundown. It was so exciting, just being with you. We didn't even have to leave the house, I could spend all day on the couch with you. You're all I need.

But that's gone now. No more Thursday date nights, spent nestled tight in your Big East bosom. No hot-and-heavy Wednesday night MACtion. Those Tuesday nights where you'd just sneak up and surprise me at work? I think I loved those best of all. You always had such exotic taste, you'd take me places I'd never seen before on those Tuesday nights. Florida Atlantic? Alabama Birmingham? Georgia State? Just magical...

So when you left, I was devastated. I didn't know what to do with myself.

Sure, I saw other sports, but it just wasn't the same. No, no... let me speak. I want to tell you. After we split, I pretty much rebounded with basketball right away. And basketball... I mean, basketball's great. For a time I imagined we were in love. But it wasn't the same. Basketball couldn't give me what you do, football.

And I think basketball knew it. Oh, we tried. It was a stormy relationship, but exciting, you know? I thought we might even get married in March. But then there was that fight in Dayton... We split up.

After that, I just kinda wandered around in a haze for a few months. There were others, of course. Baseball, hockey... I even went out with soccer for a bit. Can you believe it? But none of it mattered. They didn't mean anything to me.

You remember that Friday night we had a couple years ago? Just you and me, out there in the stadium with the Cyclones and the Cowboys. When we walked out under those lights, it felt like everyone's eyes were on us. On you. God, you were so radiant... And you shocked the world that night. No one saw that coming. I always believed in you college football, but I didn't know it could be like that. So sweet, so satisfying... I don't know if I've ever been happier than I was that night.

Look, I'll just come out and say it: College football, I love you. I... I really, really love you.

Ha ha... WHEW! I said it! God, I feel so free...

But it's true. College football, I LOVE you. I love you so much that I want to shout it from the Campanile of Ames to the plains of Texas to the mountains of West Virginia. I love you, and I need you in my life.

You might not know this, but I saw you last night.

What?! No, I am not STALKING you. God, you can be so dramatic at times...

No, I was in the bar. I'm there a lot these days. But all of a sudden you walked through the door. Like a vision. Like an angel, sent here to rescue me from the drab and colorless world I've been stuck in since you left.

And when you started dancing... Damn, it was just like old times. You know just the way to get me started. Ole Miss-Vanderbilt? Fresno State-Rutgers? Even Utah-Utah State was vibrant, full of life and the promise of a new beginning. Some might even call it erotic.

So take me back, college football. I'll be so good to you baby. I'll be there for you whenever you need me. And not just for the big stuff. The Big 12, the SEC, Pac 12... of course I'm there for that. But for the little stuff, too. An AAC game at 9:00 AM? I'm there. A midnight kickoff for Colorado State at Hawaii? I'm your fan. Just tell me what you need, what you want, and I'll do it for you. Whenever you call me, I'll be there. I'll be around.

Okay, okay, you got me. That's an old Spinners lyric. But I mean it from the bottom of my heart. 'Cause things will never be better than they are right now. There is so much hope and promise in your world right now, college football. It's like we're at the start of this brand-new, glorious season of rebirth... Everything's laid out before us, it's all ours for the taking. And you and me, college football. We can experience it together.

That's what I love most about you, college football. This moment. This moment right now, before we start this whole crazy relationship up again. Everyone in the nation believes in you right now. You know that, don't you? Everyone believes in you, in your promise, in your possibility. Every single fan thinks their team has a chance to go undefeated and hoist a national championship trophy this year.

And you give them that chance! You let everyone believe in you, because they do have that chance right now. Well, maybe not North Carolina. But every other team is starting from scratch, about to embark on a thrilling journey. C'mon, college football. Let me take that thrilling journey with you.

Listen to me! I'm as giddy with anticipation as a schoolboy on the night before Christmas! A desperately horny schoolboy on the night before Christmas who wants to ravish your sweet, fertile expanses.

So take me back, college football. I can't stand being without you for one more second. I need you in my life. I mean that. It's a physical craving. I need you like a fish needs water. Like Mark May needs his teleprompter. Like a Northern Iowa fan needs the Hawkeyes.

Look, this a big decision. I know it is. Why don't we start small... There's an Iowa State game tomorrow. Northern Iowa's coming to town. 7:00. What do you say, college football? Take me back?

You will? YOU WILL?! Oh college football, you've made me the happiest fan on earth! And things will be different this time, I swear. We're gonna be together forever...

God, I love you so much, college football. Now let's go get busy in the stadium bathroom. If you get pregnant, we'll name the kid "Win."

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