The Exorcism of Gallagher-Iba

Begone, child. You know not the power of the demon you face.

Scene: Gallagher-Iba Arena. Father Hoiberg and his allies in the holy spirit emerge from the bowels of the ancient complex into a gaudy orange hellish nightmare parody of a basketball court.

Fredheadsmall_medium Be cautious in this place. It may look deserted, but those few who remain will likely be in thrall to the monster we seek.

Kaneheadsmall_medium Yeah, that's great. When do I get to fight Smart?

Fredheadsmall_medium Soon, my son. But you must not seek confrontation - to fight him is to bring your own destruction. Even the slightest of touches and he may turn you to stone.

Kaneheadsmall_medium Don't worry. I got this.

Fredheadsmall_medium Especially important is the warning to avoid conversations with the demon. He is a liar.  He will lie to confuse us. But he will also mix lies with the truth to attack us.

Kaneheadsmall_medium Okay.

Fredheadsmall_mediumThe attack is psychological, DeAndre, and powerful. So don't listen to him. Remember that - do not listen...

Eddiedemonhead_mediumHELLO YOU ARROGANT BASTARDS

Eddiedemon_medium

Nazhead_medium He speaketh with an unnaturally large voice for a man so small.

Georgeshead_medium Look, first, quit talking like that. You sound like an asshole. That "Three-sus" nickname really went to your head.

Eddiedemonhead_mediumHE'S RIGHT YOU KNOW

Georgeshead_medium And second, that's clearly the demon speaking through the pickled remains of Eddie Sutton. It's inhabiting Eddie against his will and using the natural resonance of the empty arena to amplify his voice.

Eddiedemonhead_medium HOW CAN YOU POSSESS SUCH KNOWLEDGE

Georgeshead_medium Haven't you heard? I was roommates Nerlens Noel at the Tilton Academy. Incidentally, he was a HUGE horror movie geek.

Eddiedemonhead_mediumMY POWER IS GROWING. IF YOU HAVE SUCH WISDOM YOU KNOW CANNOT FIGHT THIS WITHOUT A YOUNG PRIEST AND AN OLD PRIEST THAT PART WAS IN BOTH MOVIES

Fredangryhead_medium You fool. I am both.

Eddiedemonhead_medium EVEN THE CRAPPY REMAKE AND... WAIT... YOU LOOK FAMILIAR

Oldhoi_mediumHoiyoung_medium

Eddiedemonhead_medium NO THIS CANNOT BE

Fred06_medium

Fredangryhead_medium I have returned after many years, foul demon. I have bided my time, amassing a coalition of holy warriors from across the land. And tonight, I shall end your reign of terror once and for all.

Eddiedemonhead_medium SHIT SHIT SHIT

Eddiedemonhead_medium SMART! ATTACK!

Kaneheadsmall_medium LETS DO THIS SHIT FLOPPY BIRD

26 points, 9 Rebounds, 9 Assists later, Smart lies on the floor, unconscious or possibly dead.

Fredangryhead_medium Good thing you destroyed him. Poor kid would have gone broke next year in the NBA.

Eddiedemonhead_medium/ Makes creepy hissing sounds, rotates head 360 degrees.

Fredangryhead_medium NOW! THE BEAST IS VULNERABLE! ATTACK!

Georgeshead_medium It would be my pleasure. WHO IS THE OLD MAN NOW?

(Niang Charges in, but the demon-possessed coach strikes him down before the end of regulation with a blast of deadly lightning from his fingertips that looks just different enough from the end of Return of the Jedi that we avoid a copyright claim from Lucasfilm.)

Fredanguishhead_medium NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Kaneyellshead_medium I'LL DESTROY YOU YOU SON OF A BITCH

Kaneyellshead_medium /Lobs Wooden Stake to Ejim at the end of regulation

Ejimstabsademon_medium

Eddiedemonhead_medium YOU ARE 0.2 SECONDS TOO LATE

Eddiedemonhead_medium ALSO YOU IDIOTS I'M A DEMON NOT A VAMPIRE READ A GODDAMN BOOK OR SOMETHING

Fredangryhead_medium Do not listen! He is full of lies! ...Except the reading thing. That's pretty solid advice. People should read more.

Eddiedemonhead_medium AND YOU, SON OF NAZARETH. I HAVE SEEN YOUR SOUL, AND YOU ARE MIRED IN SELF-DOUBT BECAUSE YOUR GOD HAS FORSAKEN YOU

Nazhead_medium Yeah, but I did replace the Tonic in your bar with Holy Water. You're drinking a Gin and Jesus right now.

Eddiedemonhead_medium AHHHHHHHHH

Eddiedemonhead_medium/Starts to emit smoke from the nose and mouth

Fredangryhead_medium THE POWER OF 3SUS COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF 3SUS COMPELS YOU!

Eddiedemonhead_medium NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

/Demon Eddie explodes into a fine red mist of atoms

Nazhead_medium BEGONE FROM THIS PLACE FOUL DEMON

Fredangryhead_medium Come, let us be gone from this place as well. I wish to return to Ames and inform them of what has transpired here tonight

/Soon, in Ames...

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