With no clear candidate distinguishing themselves for the starting QB job, Coach Mess has once again turned to a popular gameshow in order to determine who will lead the Cyclone offense in the bowl game against Tulsa.
Pat Messajak: "...and welcome back to Cyclones TV. The category for the next puzzle is 'Food and Drink.'
Mess: Steele, you won the coin flip we have before each kickoff, so once again you'll start."
Steele Jantz: Awesome. I'd like to bid $1.
Steele: I did my homework this time, brah. Googled some shit. Learned some strategery. Wikipedia said that a $1 bid wins more often than any other price. Therefore, my bid is $1.
Mess: Spin the big wheel, you moron.
Steele: (Reaches down and spins wheel) Yeah, I googled "the big wheel" and learned all about this show. I assume the MILF over there is going to take us through the showcase showdown prizes next? (Wheel lands on $400.)
Mess: Steele, please pick a letter before I decide you are a lost cause and move on to the next contestant.
: (to Richardson, quietly): ...Wouldn't be the first time that happened.
Steele (Glares at Barnett): Shut up, Little B!
Mess: There are four B's. You get $1600.
Steele: Shit, that was easy! (Spins Wheel Again. It lands on $900)
Steele: Gimme a W. Cause that's what I do. I win. Which starts with "W." Which is why I picked that letter. Cuz I'm a born winner.
Mess: One "W."
Steele: Google it, Brah.
Sam: I wouldn't if I were you, Coach.
Mess: Jared, your turn.
(Jared Spins wheel, lands on $600)
JB: "Hmm, since this is a test, they'll probably assume we've researched the most used letters. So if I do the opposite... "Q".
Mess: Amazingly, there is one Q.
JB: (squeals like a little kid, jumping up and down) "EEEEEEEEE!"
Mess: There is one "E"...
JB: OH! HOT DAMN!
Mess: And one "O"...
JB: Wow, that unpopular letter thing worked great! Better try again.... "X!"
Sam: "I'll Spin."
(Sam spins, lands on $500)
Mess: 3 L's.
Sam: I'd like to buy an "I"
Mess: 4 I's:
Sam: I'll Solve: "BBQ BOWL ELIGIBILITY"
Mess: "You got it!" (Victory music plays)
Mess: This being a Prize Puzzle, tell him what he's won!
Voiceover: "You've won a first class, all expenses trip to beautiful Memphis,Tennessee to start in the Liberty Bowl! Now you and your teammates can enjoy all the trimmings of true Memphis Barbecue, getting shanked in dark alleys off of Beale Street, and all the Natty Lite you can drink! (Once you turn 21, of course.)
Mess: ...And since whoever wins the prize puzzle always wins the overall total these days in Wheel of Fortune, you'll be playing in our bonus round! We'll be right back after these messages from Scheels' Sporting Goods and the Iowa Pork Producers' Association.
(cut to commercial)