If you’re not from a major metropolitan area or don’t have a name starting with a single consonant followed immediately by an apostrophe – you’re probably a little behind on the subject of professional basketball. Lucky for you there are only 4 teams left and I’ve decided to provide a quick reference guide for your pleasure and mine, just like a 25 cent gas station bathroom rubber.
So without further ado:
Orlando Magic – No, Shaq doesn’t play for them any more
Star: Dwight Howard, though the team success seems inversely proportional to his own lately
How to recognize star: rank all the players in order of which one you’d least like to share a prison cell with … that’s him.
Status: in a world of shit, down 0-2 to the Celts losing both at home.
Analysis: If you want to watch Orlando, do it quick. A bunch of retirees are getting ready to sweep them.
Boston Celtics – Same old team, way more blackness.
Star: Kevin Garnett (and Ray Allen and Paul Pierce and Rajon Rondo)
How to recognize star: The ones with the green jersey on that don’t have Scalabrine written on the back
Status: Aging rapidly, virtually half the roster is dead already. That said, they’re forcing every young star in the league to swallow their load. Wade check, LeBron check, Howard …
Analysis: Hitting on all cylinders at the moment. They should be back in the finals unless there is an e-coli outbreak at Ryans.
Pheonix Suns – The whole roster is illegal.
Star: Steve Nash, with an assist to Amare
How to recognize star: Little spastic white dude that looks like he might be able to explain what the blue line is all about.
Status: Game 1 did not go well – must regroup quickly or find a hotel clerk to back into Kobes dick.
Analysis: Nash and Grant Hill are in the group of players that seemingly deserve a ring. They are also both probably in this country illegally.
LA Lakers – People that annoy you like them. Kobe is innocent and related to Jesus.
Star: Kobe "Jellybean" Bryant
How to recognize star: He’s the one scoring right now and ruining things for your team. He’s also raping someone … that’s right, at the same time. He’s good.
Analysis: I hate the Lakers, which probably means they’ll win it all in a nauseating fashion.
There, now awe your friends with your NBA knowledge and bask in their unending respect.