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Mascot Throw Down: Big Red Pedophile Muppet vs. Yosemite Sam’s Rapist Brother

would you like some candy little fella?

Herbie Husker – When it comes to mascots that have a "guess how many children I can fit in the back of my van?" expression, Herbie Husker is light years ahead of the field. He represents the average Nebraskan, minus a neck belly, rattail, and cleft pallet. He’s historic in that he’s been creeping the shit out of people for the better part of four decades. On the surface he’s all smiles, but Herbie has a sinister side, one that rears its ugly head from time to time. After all, how do you think he got all those kids in his van?

Herbie’s fighting advantage would have to be his upper body strength, right? Wrong. Herbie is all bi’s and tri’s, everybody knows he just works the glamour muscles. However two things are definitely working in his favor; cat-like reflexes and that little doucher inflatable Herbie who will surely be there and have his back. And anybody who ever watched WWE when they were younger knows damn well that it’s only a matter of time before the ringside posse gets involved.

who wants a mustache ride?

Raider Red – I dare you to name another mascot you’d rather get a mustache ride from. Yea, I can’t either. Red was born almost 40 years ago when people in Texas apparently no longer saw the novelty in allowing a dude in a Zorro costume riding a horse inside the basketball arena. What, those 11 year olds with sweat mops can’t pick up a little horseshit?

Red’s Fighting strengths would have to be the fact that he’s packing heat, right? Not so fast, just like over 40 men who let their wives wear the pants in the family, he’s shooting blanks. Although I wouldn’t put it past a Texan to pistol-whip the crap out of somebody. Raider Red can hold his own. He looks like the type that isn’t afraid to bite somebody, crown you with bottle, or throw a blast or two below the belt; he’s your typical bar room brawler.

The Fight – Herbie and his love doll inflatable Herbie make their patented entrance to the ring on a tandem bike. You know how I know they’re gay? Raider Red brings the mounted Zorro along to watch his back, knowing full well Herbie Jr. needs to be kept in check. The Bell sounds. In a surprising turn of events a slap fight ensues between Herbie and Red in the middle of the ring. No haymakers being thrown here. This is certainly not what anyone had expected. Finally, after a minute plus of what looked to be a literal interpretation of how the Jonas Brothers settle who gets dibs on the bathroom first every morning, Herbie throws a grapple. He knows his strength is already worn from the slap fight, and not to mention inflatable Herbie’s incessant need to cuddle late into the night after fornicating. This is where he has to take this thing. Herbie tries to throw a suplex, but Red counters with a straight chokehold illustrating his bar room style. Before long Herbie starts to wobble, his knees are shaking. Eventually he goes limp, an occurrence inflatable Herbie isn’t too surprised by, it happens to a lot of guys… Knowing the fight is over, Red releases Herbie and he collapses to the floor. Triumphantly Red raises his pistol in the air, firing off in celebration and pelvic thrusting around the ring. Fearing for his "life partners" well being, Inflatable Herbie carries his lover to safety. This one’s over folks. In a fight that ended faster than most high school sexual encounters, Raider Red has again proved one thing to be true. Herbie Husker is a giant pussy.