If you guys are anything like the crew at WRNL, you lose sleep at night wondering what the coaches of the Big 12 drink when they’re looking to kick back, and relax. Well, you can quit taking a bunch of Ny-Quil and jacking it until you fall asleep. We have the answers…
North Division:
1) Paul Rhoads, ISU: When he isn’t busy kicking ass, drinking the blood of the unborn to gain superhuman strength, and pissing excellence, we all know that when Paul gets home from a long day of awesomeness, he goes out to the garage, cracks open a High Life, and cranks "Simple Man".
FREEBIRD!
2) Turner Gill, KU: This is the guy that doesn’t let his coaches swear at players. Diet Rite. No ice, please.
I bet he's just as bland in the bedroom.
3) Gary Pinkel, Mizzou: As Cyclone fans, we know how much Gary likes to throw a fit when he doesn’t get his way. Be it crying over an obvious holding call that cost him the game in 2006, or crying when they get passed up by the Insight Bowl because Missouri fans don’t travel for shit, we know how much he likes to whine. Thus, some fermented grapes are in order, but remember, nothing too classy. He does live in Missouri. Barefoot White Zinfandel is Mr. Pinkel’s drink of choice.
Yes Gary, we get it. You're all about balls. Tell us something we don't know.
4) Bill Snyder, KSU: When Grandpa Bill isn’t too busy scheduling schools that have yet to even play a game of football in their existence, we envision him pounding down Black Velvet and water, because that’s what all crotchety old men drink. Maybe a Schlitz or PBR for good measure.
This picture is so incredibly awkward that I really have nothing to add.
) Dan Hawkins, CU: I for one thought that The Hawk would be cracking skulls throughout the Big 12 North in no time, but he’s proceeded to be the college football equivalent of Greg McDermott. When he made his 10 win guarantee last year, I thought "clearly the man is hallucinating". With Boulder being such a hippie haven, I think it’s pretty obvious that The Hawk has gotten a hold of some of that good European Absinthe.
DUURRHHH!!!! Sloth love Chunk!
6) Bo Pelini, NU: Bo just looks like he’s inches away from beating the ever living hell out of you, much like a drunk, abusive father on the verge of sexually molesting his 8 year old. Wild Turkey. Neat.
"Hey kids! You wanna play 'hide the sausage' or get some Irish sunglasses?"
The Big 12 South
1) Art Briles, Baylor: When Briles retreats from the watchful eye of his uber conservative Christian fan base, he needs a release. Between having to live in Waco, TX, and playing in front of more fans from opposing teams than his own, the guy clearly needs to turn his brain into mush just to get through the day. His drink of choice? Obviously Everclear, (if he can find it amongst that midst of dry counties and inane liquor laws) in mass quantities.
"God, give me cancer NOW"
2) Tommy Tuberville, TTU: Tubs comes off as the perfect Southern Gentleman. Everyone knows that Southerners are addicted to sweet tea. Tubs’s drink of choice? Has to be some Jeremiah Weed’s on the rocks. Perfect for those hot sun baked days in West Texas.
Conveniently, a flask fits right behind the headset.
3) Mike Gundy, OSU: In case you didn’t know, Mike Gundy is 40, and he’s a man. No way anyone in their right mind can produce a reaction like that infamous press conference where Gundy looked and sounded like he could have fit into an episode of Jersey Shore, starting shit with The Situation when he tried to take Snooki home. Jagerbombs for Mikey. Lots, and lots of Jagerbombs.
Now you're a man! A man, man, man!
4) Bob Stoops, OU: Big Game Bob is the used car salesman of the Big 12. He’s slick, greasy, and will burn you whenever possible. His whole look has the "I’m trying to look classy, but come up JUST short, in a frat boy kind of way". I can’t explain why, but I see Stoopsy drinking Michelob Ultra, so as to say "I’m trying to be classy, but I just don’t have that good of taste".
A guy's gotta watch his girish figure, you know. Nobody wants to see a fatty on ESPN.
5) Mack Brown, Texas: A bit on the gregarious side, and seemingly asleep at the wheel, Mack just kind of seems to amble about his carefree existence, because let’s face it, a kindergartener could win at Texas. How else do you explain Gene Chizik? Mack likes to beat the heat, and keep things peachy sweet with a nice tall glass of Southern Comfot and 7 Up.
Hook 'em? Or a misguided Shocker?
6) Mike Sherman, A&M: Mike Sherman seemingly has no personality. What does he drink? Clearly something just as lacking in personality. Bud Select 55, all the way Mikey.
Might as well just drink water.