Well it’s officially official of the most official sense. Chris Babb is coming home to the Midwest. Apparently he didn’t get the memo about the Big Twelve Armageddon soon to come to fruition. When everyone is running towards the B10 from the B12, Chris is running the opposite way in hopes of saving the world…let’s hope so anyway.
I’ve got on good word from a very reliable dentist of mine that head coach Fred Hoiberg was able to convince Chris to come to Iowa State via multiple techniques, some of them subtle, others not so much. In this industry, anything is free game unless you openly violate the recruiting bylaws Jon Calipari style, and even then you’re pretty much just labeled as a scumbag dickless wonder and everyone moves on. So when Hoiberg had his one and only shot to secure the transfer of Chris Babb from the Quaker capital of the world what did he offer him? Livestock. That’s right: cows, pigs, goats and mini horses. Knowing Chris’ love for the Midwest lifestyle, Hoiberg felt it necessary to personally pick Chris up from the airport in his brand new classic ‘Waterloo Boy’ John Deere tractor. Believe me when I say, Chris’ eyes lit up like a Canadian seeing a frozen pond for the first time.
During his short visit to Iowa State we spotted Diante Garrett offering lessons to Babb on how to ride your tractor pimpishly in order to attract the local ladies that graze the campus grounds.
It’s no wonder Chris couldn’t turn down such an offer, having grown up in Kansas, where the only things to do are cowtip, prune the wheat, and watch from afar as the KU football team tries to beat up the KU basketball team. Chris Babb’s visit to Ames was just like coming home except instead of pruning wheat he was shucking corn. His affinity for agriculture was all it took to lure him into the great state of Iowa, oh and the personal invitation from coach Hoiberg to the upcoming state fair (ranked as one of the top attractions in the U.S.). If you don’t believe me, check it out here. Chris is hoping to be the first minority to be the subject of a butter statue.
Chris was recently spotted at the farmer’s market stocking up on all the essentials it takes to survive as a country boy. When you ride horses to your classes, one must have the proper saddles, spurs and reigns to ensure a timely and safe arrival.
We also have it on good authority that Shawn Johnson has offered Chris a chance to train with her as she prepares for another Olympics run. One could speculate that Johnson is simply trying to pimp Babb out so that he can one day take the "most over-hyped athlete in Iowa" title away from her so she can train in peace without thousands of creepy old men ogling her.
Lastly, Hoiberg’s offer came with a small caveat. Babb has a hidden musical talent that he’s been dying to showcase for years but never had the stage to do it on. Hoiberg took it upon himself to line up a vocal coach, similar to the somehow popular MTV show ‘Made,’ to aid him in his journey of becoming the next big star to come out of Ames, Iowa. Enter former running back/comedian/rapper Lumas P A.K.A. Hiawatha Rutland. Although Rutland’s career never really took off, Hoiberg figured he was the perfect coach for an aspiring musical artist.
Now we wait and see how everything turns out. Will Chris Babb be the saving grace of the Iowa State Men’s basketball team, the next coming of Shaquille O’Neal behind the mic, or maybe a combination of the two? Time will tell.