If you haven’t heard yet, LaRon Dendy has just announced he is leaving to transfer to a new school. This news seems very odd considering his positive comments when Fred Hoiberg was hired. Many have speculated that he was unlikely to return, due to the fact that apparently Troy Davis was his tutor… but we decided to use our sources to find the reasons behind this somewhat stunning departure.
Hoiberg Stole His Groupies – Dendy has somewhat of an ego, and likes the groupies that follow him. However, as we previously detailed, Fred Hoiberg’s ridiculous sex appeal has caused the entire groupie community to ignore the likes of LaRon and Diante Garrett. We spoke to Ashley Smith, junior in HRI (and jersey chasing), who told us that while "Coach McDermott had no problem playing wingman for his players, Coach Hoiberg is too busy hearing the THWUNK of soaking wet panties hitting the floor to give a shit what his players want."
Food – As a fried chicken connoisseur myself, KFC just doesn’t cut it when you compare it to Zaxbys and Bojangles in the south. Coach McDermott granted LaRon an exemption from certain practices to run down to Des Moines and grab Popeyes as a compromise, but we are told that Coach Hoiberg has taken that option off the table.
Didn’t Like Expanded Role – This one we went straight to the source for. When asked, LR answered: "What the hell is wrong with this Mayor guy? I just want to play 6th or 7th man role on a D1 basketball team and pick up pussy along the way. Now Coach tells me I gotta start? That’s bullshit. Fuck that noise. I’m gonna go see if UNC will let me be their 13th man."
Minnesota Bee Situation – Friends of Dendy have confirmed that he has a dire fear of being stung by bees. The recent developments that 17 Million Bees are loose in Minnesota was news that hit a little too close to home for LaRon.
Racists – Dendy is from South Carolina, which is a state notorious for having the Confederate Flag displayed right on the front lawn of the State House (It was even at the top of the State House until 2000). Despite the fact that Iowa is super-white, the fear of the unknown (a.k.a. minorities) has mostly kept outward racism in check. However, sources tell us that LaRon actually preferred getting the stink eye from crazy white people in South Carolina, rather than the "staring at the ground to avoid eye contact with the minority at all costs" method favored by sheltered Iowans.
Fall Classes – Basket weaving and walking for leisure were both full for the fall semester and he couldn’t audit it. Charleston (SC) College not only had both of those open, but they also offered him a chance to take lawn darts as well as being a TA for free throw shooting 101.
Baby Mama Drama – LaRon is the father of 2 children that live with their mother in South Carolina. We all know that to be in the NBA, you need at least 5 kids, preferably by an assortment of women. Dendy decided to go home and work on his unprotected sex game before his court game, in hopes that a combination of both will impress NBA GMs.
Grades – Probably the most likely reason. Insider reports suggest that LaRon was not doing very well in school, which led to his decision to take the (forced) "Boozer transfer". We have obtained two samples of his coursework:
All of us at WRNL would like to thank LaRon for his time here, and wish him well in the future, no matter how far short of his illegitimate children or groupie dreams he falls. Oh, and to watch out for those crazy white supremacists in South Carolina…