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Uncovering Ralphie's Secret Love Triangle

When I was asked to research the rumored relationship between Colorado’s beloved mascot Ralphie and macho bull ‘Bevo’ from Texas I was giddy with delight. The chance to not only talk with both of the historic live mascots but also discover the storied past between the two was a welcomed opportunity. While many would consider both of them fearsome creatures, once you get to know them (especially Ralphie) they are rather gentle and loving.

Being that there are only two live mascots residing in the Big Twelve it was only natural for the two to hook up and see where things went. It all started one lonely night in the stables 9 years ago where each found themselves entertaining the other during a torrential yet soothing thunderstorm. It began as nothing more than a friendship; random calls to discuss the day’s events, a beer at the local watering trough, and the occasional graze at dusk to catch the sunset. It didn’t take long, however, for things to grow intimate.

On Ralphie’s account, their relationship blossomed into pure bliss, but if you ask Bevo, it was merely a random booty call, and a shitty one at that. "Ralphie’s ass has been pounded so many times it felt like I was boning the large end of a megaphone, trust me, there’s no sensation" said Bevo while receiving one of his daily sponge baths and being fanned by giant palm leaves. "I’m so far above that worthless excuse for an animal. I win championships while he barely competes for scraps in the North Division." It sounded as if a few successful football seasons had gone to Bevo’s head causing him to feel untouchable. The interview ended abruptly as he charged at me after I insinuated Nebraska should have won the B12 Championship game in 2009 if it weren’t for a lame-duck clock operator putting up an extra second after Colt McCoy threw an errant pass towards the sideline.

Sources indicate that relations between Bevo and Ralphie have gone downhill since 2005, when Texas shellacked Colorado 70-3 in the Big 12 Championship, but rising tensions did not stop them from continuing their relationship. Unfortunately, the situation drastically worsened this spring. With Ralphie already stressed out about Dan Hawkins being brought back only because the athletic department was unable to afford his buyout, Bevo refused to slip him the shocker during their sexual escapades, causing domestic assault charges, the difficult split, and Ralphie’s search for greener pastures.

With Bevo out of the picture, Ralphie has sought the assistance of a local firm to market his image to the nearby Pac 10 Conference in hopes they will accept his school into their brotherhood. (I liken the desperate plea to a hooker moving over a couple blocks because the pay is better and the poundings are less severe.) A little more digging revealed Ralphie has since struck up multiple relationships with other mascots of the Pac 10. The Duck from Oregon declined to comment citing Nike’s influence as reason, but I was able to get in touch with Sparky, the Arizona State Sun Devil, who held nothing back. "I just couldn’t resist the temptation to see if the rumors about Ralphie were true, and sure enough they were, that guy is a freak in the hay."

Sparky went on to detail his first sexual encounter with Ralphie, in which Ralphie emphatically demanded Sparky to insert his pitchfork err…trident into one of his many orifices (in order to keep this PG-13, I’ll let you determine which one he was referring to).

When I approached Ralphie to corroborate Sparky’s story he revealed his fantasies about each mascot in the Pac 10 and what they could offer sexually, most notably the USC Trojan and the tricks he can perform with his sword. He’s heard talk around town the Trojan is into bestiality so he’s hopeful of a relationship or at the very least a one night stand.

As excited I was to get to know Bevo and Ralphie, I came away with nothing but disgusted thoughts and proof of Ralphie’s desire to be the whore of whatever conference he resides.