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WRNL Exclusive: Jake Sullivan's Kingdom Hoops Update - First Draft

Jake Sullivan recently put out a mass email to parents of kids in his AAU program to address some defections, which led to a controversy about his brash coaching style and his curious writing. WRNL has acquired a copy of the first draft he was set to send out before being advised by lawyers and associates to revise it, and needless to say, it's much much worse.
Hello Parents of Whiny Bitches, It's come upon Jake Sullivan to write this because some of you have voiced concerns that some crybabies like Petey Jok left the program. I hear haters out there trying to hate on my program, but Jake is here to tell you that only Jake Sullivan runs shit around here. King Kong ain't got nothing on me! You wanna know why everybody be leaving the program? They're jealous of the boy band ass J-Sully pulls. All their little girlfriends be wanting a real man, but don't worry, Jake is all about Jesus. Sure, J-Sizzle can bang any chick he wants, but he's only got a hard on for God. Marcus Paige called one time to see if he could join Kingdom Hoops, so we let him come in to hang, but I told him to GTFO when he wouldn't blaze with Jake Sullivan and Shane Power. What kind of a kid doesn't cave to peer/mentor pressure, especially if they're two chick magnets like J-Sizzle and S-Pizzle? Just the names are cool, right? Obviously a sign of a future bitch. J-Sizzle is gonna let you know that Harrison Barnes wasn't gonna come to Iowa State because he didn't want to live in Jake Sullivan's shadow, the shadow that's even bigger than Michael Jordan's at UNC. HB was always hating on J-Sizzle's jump shot, Jake know you douches saw that 3 point display he put on during the abortion of a season the Cyclones had this year. Plus HB couldn't take an elbow to the teeth like Marcus Paige couldn't take a blunt. Seriously, that shithead Barnes posted up on J-Sizz in practice and tried his fancy fadeaway move. Try that shit while you're getting an elbow in the mouth. Just trying to toughen him up, but his entitled ass couldn't appreciate that, could he? You parents aren't helping either. The reason Jake Sullivan has to hit kids is because parents are too soft these days. What's this bullshit with saying encouraging things after these kids miss free throws? JS shot like 90% on free throws and broke a brick against his head for every free throw he missed after the game. What's wrong with 5 minutes of wearing a crown of thorns in a scrimmage after each missed free throw? Or the ass-whoopin' after an ill-advised three? I know what you're thinking: "Jake, haven't you ever taken a bad three?" Well, the answer is that J-Sizzle has never taken a bad shot. Even a 40 footer with 20 seconds left on the shot clock is personally advised to Sully by God. So argue with that, jerkwads. Peace fuckers, The one and only Jake Sullivan, living legend.