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Know Your Enemy Part 4: The University of (Northern) Iowa

Welcome to Week 4 of WRNL’s closer look at a 2010 ISU football opponent.

STADIUM: The Hawks, I mean, Panthers, play at lovely Kinnick Stadium, I mean the UNI-Dome, in Iowa Ci-, I mean Cedar Falls. This banged up air bubble has the distinction of being located on the highest point in Black Hawk County. If they aren’t busy packing their suitcases to go back to their hometown for the weekend, or watching the Hawkeyes, occasionally UNI students will find some free purple and gold t-shirt that they got at freshman orientation, throw it on over their black and gold, and mosey over to the UNI-Dome (if this isn’t the most creatively named stadium in college football, I’ll eat my fucking shoe) to watch the Panthers.

They just can't wait to change into their 2003 Outback Bowl shirts.

Of course, they love playing ISU, because they get to pretend that they care about UNI for a day, and have another excuse to root against the Clones.

MASCOT: In a never ending spurt of creativity, UNI’s mascot is TC, which stands for "The Cat". WOW UNI. Real fucking original. How did you guys think that one up? I’m guessing someone driving home to Oelwein to screw their 16 year old girlfriend rather than party at college for a weekend was like "Yeah! We’ll call it ‘The Cat’", and then quickly shifted their thoughts to, oh, I don’t know, the Hawkeyes.

He's totally wearing an Iowa shirt under that jersey

If you weren’t so damn busy wishing you went to Iowa/rooting on the Hawkeyes and planning your next thrilling weekend away from college, you could contribute an ounce of original thought to your own university.

TEAM: UNI has actually been a powerhouse in FCS over the past few years, by recruiting players that were kicked out of FBS schools for fucking up somehow, but everyone in Cedar Falls was too busy watching the Hawks to notice or care. Ironically, the Panthers came within inches of beating the Hawks last year, but failed TWICE IN A ROW to convert a short field goal. Of course, the UNI players were so carried away that they almost realized that they were going to beat their favorite team, the Hawks. Knowing that a loss to UNI would destroy the Hawk’s season, the UNI field goal team made sure to dick the dog, rather than humiliate the Hawks.

You mean if I make this kick, the Hawks lose? ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!

UNI kind of nosedived the rest of the season, and didn’t make the FCS playoffs for the first time in awhile. They lose pretty much everyone, and should be in for a down year.

AGAINST ISU: Yes, we all know that UNI beat the Clones in 2007. Ironically enough, the Cyclones got revenge on UNI fans everywhere when we beat Iowa the next weekend. However, the all-time record is 18-4, so seriously Hawk/Panther fans, shut the fuck up. You’ve beaten us 4 times ever, and one of those was against Gene Chizik, and we all know he’s a borderline retard. Did skunking a mentally handicapped guy make you happy UNI? You probably kick people in wheelchairs too.

Jesus christ, UNI. Didn't your mom teach you not to pick on disabled people?

Here’s to Paul Rhoads laying a thunderous beatdown on the Hawkeye-wannabes this fall. Natty Lights all around!