Texas State Dean Phillip Elias announced Thursday evening his intentions to seek government intervention to stop the exodus of Texas schools from the Big 12 to the Pac 10 without the involvement of the Fighting Armadillos.
Unaffiliated with any conference since sanctions rocked the program in the early 90s, the Fighting Armadillo football team has struggled to stay relevant during the unprecedented 20-year ban. Fielding a team of rag-tag non-scholar athletes, they’ve amassed a record of 5-235 in that time.
"I’m not going to say that this has been easy for any of us involved," said Dean Elias in an exclusive WRNL interview. "With our sanctions now lifted and the possibility of playing in something other than a high school stadium on the horizon, we feel we have just as much to offer the Pac 10’s of the world as any other school in this state. Including the ‘by God’ Texas Longhorns. We won’t be left behind."
Led by super-senior quarterback Paul Blake, who turned 56 this past spring, and chemistry professor/nose guard Andre Krimm, the ‘Dillos went 0-12 last season and were outscored 27-513. A vast improvement over the 2008 season that saw them give up near 70 points a game.
"2008 was a rough one," Blake said from his ranch in rural Texas. "When Coach Wally passed away from that heart attack, well, Manu was inconsolable. Featherstone quit on us all together and Samorai Hansen went on that well-publicized killing spree. We had to come together as a team, which made us stronger for 2009 and has prepared us for this leap into the big time."
The hardest pill to swallow for the Texas State gridironers was the loss of All-American kicker Lucy Draper, who, after a falling out with husband Manumala that split the ‘Dillo locker room, was reduced to turning tricks on the TSU campus. Draper became pregnant with longtime Armadillo announcer, and all-around good guy, Chuck Neiderman’s baby. Neiderman refused comment.
"We’ve been through enough and it’s time that the NCAA recognizes that," said legendary Coach Ed "Straight Arrow" Genero. "I agreed to the 20-year ban and the use of non-scholar athletes because it was the right thing to do. But now, they think they are going to leave us behind with the likes of Kansas? Are you kidding me? Where do you think half our wins came from the last 20 years? Hell, one of those was decided by a hot dog-eating contest between Manu and Mangino because the field hockey team had the field reserved.
"I’ve got a 56-year-old QB that we can barely keep enough Ben Gay on hand to keep standing straight. I’ve got a chemistry professor as my number one run stopper and a serial killer at linebacker. It’s time we make some changes."
Fighting Armadillo booster and former presidential hopeful, Senator Fred Thompson, said he hopes to use his political influence to save the Armadillo squad. He’s already been in talks with other political powerhouses in Washington, D.C. and hopes to have the issue resolved by Friday afternoon.
"Let me just say this, the Fighting Armadillos are not going to be left out in the cold," Thompson said. "I’ve been in serious talks with Senator Chuck Grassley from Iowa and we are negotiating a deal to attach our flag to the Iowa State Cyclone’s ship. Where they go, you can be damn sure the Texas State Fighting Armadillos are going too."
When told of Thompson’s plans to save TSU, Coach Genero was speechless before finally uttering a simple, "Fuck."