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BREAKING NEWS: Iowa State Rejects Big East Invite, Chooses to Join CFL

WRNL writer Norman Underwood has told me that unnamed sources high up in the Canadian Football League have been in discussions with Iowa State University Athletics Director Jamie Pollard about a move to the CFL for the 2011 season.

After numerous phone calls to various teams in the CFL I finally reached the Calgary Stampeders Chairman, John Forzani.

A Grey Cup instead of marble and crystal? Sure, why not?

Forzani was more than willing to discuss the merits of adding Iowa State to the CFL and stated, "Adding Iowa State University made the perfect sense for the CFL. We have been trying to expand our footprint in the United States for many years and thought our strategy of signing Heisman caliber players such as Drew Tate, Ken-Yon Rambo, and Jon Cornish would pay dividends in the long run."

"As it turns out, no one really cares about a half-wit, concussion prone quarterback and slow skill players who made little impact on their college teams," Forzani added.

According to the sources at the CFL, Iowa State brings a rare mix of offensive skill and defensive ineptitude that is perfect for the CFL. With the larger playing surface in the CFL it appears that existing CFL teams will have little trouble finding ways to score against an inexperienced Cyclone squad.

This expansion was also not all about the product on the field either. An unnamed CFL executive, who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity, stated that, "Des Moines is the 167th largest importer of syrup; if you think we didn’t want a piece of that market then you’re kidding yourself." Also worth noting is that Ames immediately becomes the largest population center of all CFL teams. Sorry Texas, Iowa State finally found their own group of special ed kids to pick on.

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The move to the CFL is a curious one for Iowa State. On one hand they have beat Texas and Nebraska to the punch and went to a bigger league where their players can actually receive money above the table. On the other hand, they run a very high risk of floppy head syndrome.

It should also be noted that with the move to a league with only 3 downs instead of 4, Iowa State can then use their next Mike Brandtner-esque player more often than if they were still playing under NCAA rules.

One thing CFL executives did not count on in this addition is the fact that Iowa State’s David Sims is actually poutine powered, which our sources tell us is in abundance in Canada.

Iowa State should also benefit from the "local landscape" if you catch my drift. Iowa State players interviewed for this article stated on more than one occasion how they are looking forward to finding out if Canadian girls were willing to shed their bison and elk fur as easily as the girls in Ames shed their Ed Hardy and Abercrombie.

When reached at his home for comment, Iowa State Head Coach Paul Rhoads stated that, "We will hit them coming off our sleds."

What that means remains a mystery.

Stay tuned to WRNL for the latest in this story that is sure to change the college football landscape.

Meet Your New American Overlord Canadians!