Iowa State students were saddened to learn today that they were outpaced by their eastern rivals in the annual "Alcohol related offenses" competition held at bars and house parties across the state.
KCRG reports the University of Iowa increased alcohol offenses by 53% while their Cyclone counterparts managed only a meager 46% increase.
WRNL found a couple freshmen coeds for comment:
Kari Gabriel (Iowa): "Fuck yeah, and this was ISU’s Superbowl too – wooo!"
Becki Todd (ISU): "It’s just so frustrating. The everyday student is fighting tooth, nail, bottle and can to make this happen, but we just don’t get the support of the athletic department like the U of I does. We’re looking to improve next quarter to at least match their pace"
Iowa President Sally Mason issued the following statement:
"I have no idea what the cause of the increase could be but I am aware of and concerned about the situation. We will work towards a resolution to the matter with the appropriate parties. Read that and they should get off your ass for a while, Kirk …. wait, forget that last part"
Ames PD unhappily suggested that they were somewhat to blame for the poor showing by Iowa State.
"Look, trying to catch a Lisa Koll, even with a few drinks in her, is [expletive] impossible – this isn’t a raging Jewel Hampton running from us – this is a whole new level."