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Mascot Throw Down: Mentally Unstable Bear vs. A Covered Wagon

Oh fuck that shit! Spumoni!

The Baylor Bear - "Everybody Panic, it’s just like the Titanic but it’s full of Bears! There will be no refunds. Your refund will be escaping this death trap with your lives! If you have a small child use it as a shield, they love tender meat!" This was the scene nearly a decade ago inside The Ferrell Center during a Baylor vs. Kansas Men’s basketball game when the tough decision had to be made by Baylor University to no longer use live bears as the teams mascot at sporting events. University officials commented following the incident stating, "The bear was simply acting on instinct, we believe he may have smelled menstruation". Following an investigation, the source of the menstruation was determined to be Kirk Hinrich, who has refused to comment. The Carnage and destruction caused by Baylor’s live bear mascot on that fateful night has been strongly linked to the setbacks seen by the schools Men’s basketball program in the early 2000’s. Well, there may have been other factors, however none appear to be as influential as a bear rampaging through the coliseum.

Who's special? This guy

With live bears no longer being welcomed inside Waco area arenas, Baylor University was left with only one option; an inflatable mascot with little to no likeness to their original bear. But the Baylor bear is no ordinary inflatable mascot, he is said to have an IQ of 17 and has struggled with controlling bowel movements indoors long into adulthood. He has actually popped and nearly deflated himself multiple times due to being asked, "Who’s special?" while holding a sharp or jagged object. The bear’s mental capabilities would lead one to believe that he’s an invalid incapable of doing even the most trivial tasks, however he does have exceptional abilities with the use of pencil crayons and finger paints. His fighting advantages are very few and far between: momentary bursts of retard strength, ability to stare blankly for long periods of time, and a foul stench that resembles the love child of a musty basement and a nursing home.

So they loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly...

Oklahoma Sooner Schooner – The famous sooner mascot comes from the common term for such wagons "prairie schooners" and the name for settlers who snuck into the Oklahoma Territory before it was officially opened for settlement. Thankfully they chose something other then the current era of individuals settling in Oklahoma to use as a mascot, although it would be interesting to see a pregnant woman smoking cigarettes in a Geo Metro rounding the 50-yard line after every touchdown. The Conestoga wagon that resembles what the Beverly Hillbillies rolled into town on is pulled by two white ponies and driven by some frat boy and the skank he’s experimenting new types of roofalin on that week. The schooner is arguably one of the lamest mascots in college sports. I mean lets face it, there is literally no way to make a wagon cool. It doesn’t matter how badass the horses pulling it are or how loose the co-ed riding shotgun is, at the end of the day it’s still a freaking covered wagon.

The Schooner doesn’t have many fighting strengths, but thankfully it isn’t going up against "Injuns" this time. The wagon features large wooden wheels, a canvas canopy, and two axles. It can wait patiently for long periods of time while its opponent tires himself. With no ability to move on its own, the schooner stands little chance of actually mounting an offensive during the course of a fight.

The FightNow in any ordinary situation if asked who would win in a fight between a bear and a covered wagon, most would bet the house on the bear. But let’s not forget, this particular bear is retarded and most likely the wagon will be able to outsmart him.

With the assistance of his handlers, the Baylor Bear makes his way into the ring. He appears to have brought some kind of Tonka truck with him. I wonder if this is a strategy of his or if that’s some kind of security/comfort item? The Schooner has been waiting in the middle of the ring since this morning. The ring actually had to be constructed around the wagon due to its shear size. There’s the opening bell. The bear sits down and begins playing with his truck; the Schooner appears to be sizing his opponent up…. Wow! 3 minutes into this thing and the bear is still playing with that truck. Either fighter is yet to make an offensive maneuver. Hold on, it appears that the Baylor Bear is trying to climb up on the schooner. This could be trouble. Now he climbs back down, possibly reevaluating his plan? Nope, he just forgot his truck. He’s now climbing with one hand. He reaches the top of the Schooners canopy; it’s amazing that thing is capable of holding his weight. The bear is pacing back and forth atop the wagon triumphantly holding his precious truck high above his head. OH NO! The Bear appears to have lost his balance after stumbling on one of the wagons canopy braces. THERE HE GOES! The bear falls! Oh for the love of god, if you’re watching this fight in the presence of children shield their eyes. It appears that the bear landed head first in the middle of the ring after toppling off the schooner. The twitching of his left paw would indicate a spinal injury. He doesn’t appear to be moving on his own. After conferring with officials the match has been called. Winner, by TKO, The Oklahoma Sooner Schooner! If this fight has shown us anything, it’s that the Baylor Bear is to the point of retarded that he can actually lose in a fight to an inanimate object.