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Know Your Enemy: A Review

This guy would break the Hinrich scale of douchiness

Earlier this week WRNL concluded our Know Your Enemy series, which allowed ISU fans to get a more intimate portrait of the opponents on this year’s football schedule. The pieces were met with reactions which ranged from rage to condescension, from giggling like a mental patient to outright hatred, and in several cases, to extreme sexual arousal.

We’d like to recap this feature and rate each respective fan base’s reaction on the Hinrich Scale of Douche-Baggery. The Hinrich Scale is named after former KU basketball star and former ISU verbal commit Kirk Hinrich, after whom the vaginal irrigation device was originally named. Having grown up in Sioux City, and attending KU, we don’t feel he had much of a chance at a normal life, but that’s irrelevant.

1 Hinrich = Very non-douchey, the highest compliment an opponent can receive

10 Hinrichs = Ashton Kutcher – literally the highest level of douche possible.

Let’s get started!

This was our first piece, and was met with a tepid reaction from the NIU fanbase.

Scott asks "Was this written by an 8th grader? We’ll let our football do the talking this fall, like we did in 2003. Enjoy your summer ‘cyclone’ fans."

Of course, the stupid asshole conveniently forgot the last game that ISU and NIU played, ISU won. Generally though, NIU didn’t seem to fuss too much. So we’ll give them a 6 on the Hinrich Scale.

IOWA [link]
Let’s just get this out of the way. Iowa is getting a shit-load of Hinrichs. There probably isn’t a fan base in America with such a bloated sense of entitlement or blatant lack of objectivity regarding themselves. Hawk fans generally have no concept of the idea of self-deprecating humor and honestly think the rest of the country views them as an elite program.

In a typical show of Hawkeye pride, Hawk4life responded with "Apparently, this statement is true"….it’s ISU’s SuperBowl"! For the LOVE of GOD, it’s only May and you CyClown idiots are already talking about this game, a game by the way, where you will get a beat down by more than 4 TD’s! Enjoy your toilet bowl win last year and call us when you win a bowl game that has some significance!!"

What a brilliant piece of writing. 9 Hinrichs for the Hawks.

The Wildcats for the most part are good shit. Bring on the Cats is a funny blog, and I’ve been treated well in the Little Apple.

Gap, a KSU fan who took a few swipes back at the State of Iowa clearly had a sense of humor about the excessive bestiality references and redneck jokes, ending his comments with: "That being said funny shit, and your blast of KU is awesome as well." KSU ranks pretty low on the Hinrich Scale, at a 3.

Most UNI fans are just Hawk fans wearing purple for a day, and it showed in their responses.

From poster Iowa State Is A Disgrace, we got this gem: "wow dude, whoever wrote this article is a complete idiot. The only thing that Iowa State has going for it is wrestling and occasionally volleyball. UNI basketball program takes the cake for the state of Iowa, Iowa takes the cake for football and yes wrestling as Iowa State gets their ass kicked every year by Iowa. If you are so heralding of Iowa State, check this out, UNI has beaten Iowa State 3 out of the last 4 years in basketball. They also have more tournament appearances and conference championships. You should just be praising Texas for keeping the Big 12 together otherwise you would end up in a non BCS conference because no one wants ISU."

Go fuck yourselves UNI. 9 Hinrichs for the Panthers.

UTAH [link]
Ah, MORMONS. Their inability to take a joke made Iowa and UNI look good. Perhaps their angered responses were a reaction to a life without sex and drugs? Either way, the Ute fans threw a gigantic shit fit. Here are some of our personal favorites.

Iowa Ute: "Nice to see bigotry is alive and well at Iowa State. What a horrible attempt at humor and satire. You should be ashamed/embarrassed."
The Corporation: "This isn’t "talking trash." This is just religious bigotry. Sad, unfunny and very pathetic. No wonder no conference wants your pathetic school and equally pathetic athletic department".
CYphillis: "I think it’s time to ease back on the Mormons and give them credit for one of the greatest sexual revolutions ever achieved, the art of soaking: The art of having sex, without thrusting. When a couple "sticks it in" and then leaves it there to "soak." This has become a common phenomenon with certain groups of Christians (predominantly Mormons) who try to circumvent the law of chastity."

For the Utes? 10 Acid-tripping Hinrichs having thrust-filled premarital sex with each other

We don’t think we got a single response from actual Tech fans, although there were several Longhorns who found it hilarious. We’re going to go ahead and give Tech 5 Hinrichs, based on [WRNL writer] Intoxcycated’s horror stories of road trips to Lubbock (to be fair, if you saw him at a game you would assume he’s a sociopath), as well as horror stories about Lubbock from other Big 12 fanbases.

5 Hinrichs for the Sand Aggies.

The Sooners were one of our favorite fan bases in all of this. We BLASTED those guys from everything from Toby Keith to their propensity to cry on National television, and they took it like Jenna Haze does a money shot.

Soonerram said: "I have to admit – nice slams. Well played. Now go get your effin’ shnebox!".

Well timed Goodfellas references always earn you points. 2 Hinrichs.

TEXAS [link]
The Horns were good sports as well. They were a little more defensive than the Sooners, being quick to point out the George Bush was NOT a Texan, but I think they took it well for the most part.

bury_switzer had this to say: "Keep up the jokes they are funny at times and I can make fun of myself and my team. You have a great sense of humor which I would expect from a Iowa State fan"

I mean, there’s only so much smack we can throw at Texas. 2 Hinrichs for the Horns.

Just when you thought that the Utes were the biggest bitches on our schedule, Herbie and his merry band of nut-sack ticklers decided to show their true colors. The retarded comments by Nebraska fans were so numerous, that I feel decorum prohibits listing them here. (Actually, I’m just lazy, so I’ll link it.)

The Huskers broke totally new ground here, so guess what? 10 Hinrichs for Nebraska. You hear that Nebraska? Iowa fans were less douchey! Its like you’re trying to fail.

KANSAS [link]
Kansas fans don’t even know they have a football team, so they hardly even count. Regardless, Jayhawk fans are generally tools, as are all KU basketball players, so we obviously have to give them a high ranking on the Hinrich scale. After all, they DID give us the douchery of Kirk Hinrich.

9 Hinrichs for the Duke Jr.

Buffalo fans were too busy sparking their bowl to care.

Except for Jerry Rogers, who showed up to provide us with his list of "facts". Unfortunately, Mr. Rogers didn’t get the memo that we don’t care about "facts". Won’t you be my neighbor?

7 Hinrichs for the Pac-10 bound or then again maybe not, Buffaloes.

MIZZOU [link]
Missouri fans found many of our other send-ups to be absolutely riotous – providing WRNL with a lot of hits. They really enjoyed the Nebraska piece, pleasuring themselves throughout the Herbie heckling. However, with the focus on them, it was quickly obvious Mizzou couldn’t handle being on the receiving end.

Anyone can laugh at someone else, but if you can’t laugh at yourself, you suck. 6 Hinrichs for Mizzou.