Evening kickoffs: the scourge of fun-haters everywhere. They’ll tell you things like "It gets chilly at night" or "I have to iron my blouse for church in the morning" or "I get tired tailgating for over 5 hours." Basically letting you know they value sleep and physical well-being over a good tailgate - ridiculous.
The UNI game is setting up to be a fantastic tailgate: early enough in the season that even the most jaded Cyclone fan still has hope, moderate fall temps, in-state opponent that feels they can win and a late kickoff. UNI games under similar conditions have produced sell-out crowds and, in turn, kick-ass tailgates. So find the resolve to drag your ass out of bed by noon this weekend and head down to the Jack Trice tailgate lots for a tailgate that is sure to be rockin. As always the WRNL tailgate is in lot G7 and you’re welcome to stop by and warm yourself in the glow of our self-importance.
So let’s break this thing down, as always we’ll focus on 3 main areas: food, booze & fun
Food
Rods. I’m going to go a little off-base here and give way too much attention to a phallicly named accessory food, but I’m writing the article so live with it. Pretzel rods, the John Holmes of the pretzel community, are the tailgater’s friend and ally in getting booze properly mixed, keeping hunger at bay and setting up rod/penis jokes.
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Do you find yourself drinking straight rum followed by straight Coke? Mix your drink with a rod.
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Did your buddy use the last match to light a cigarette? Eat a rod while you figure out how to create fire and where to bury his body.
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Are there attractive females within shouting distance? It’s well known that nearly all women appreciate the offer of a salty rod. That’s science.
Don’t question it, just buy pretzel rods, you can thank me later.
Booze
This week I’m going to go with a recipe that is credited to WRNL contributor "The Miz" of the Helmet Stickerzz articles fame. This concoction is known by different names, most famously: "Strip ‘n’ Go Nakeds", although others claim the name to be "WOP" - whatever it’s called it’s delicious. It has the sneaky good taste you get from the girly malt beverages with a touch of everclear to confirm your masculinity.
Recipe:
1 handle of vodka or everclear
30 cans Bud Light Lime
2 or 3 frozen lemonade concentrate
Combine in 5 gallon water cooler.
Consume.
The ingredients list can be altered to taste – but this is about the simplest version for those not wanting to lose precious tailgating minutes to mixing up something complicated.
Fun
The Beer Bong – it’s not really a game per se … but I have a lot of weeks to fill here, so I gotta be creative. The beer bong works on the scientific principle that beer flows from up high to down low. Anything funnel-shaped object will work for the bong part and, in turn, any liquid will stand in for the beer – but our moral compass tells us to suggest you stick with beer.
Beer Bongs are most commonly made using a length of hose connected to a cheap funnel – really classy ones also have a valve at the bottom to prevent premature clothing saturation. To take a beer bong start with the hose elevated, fill the funnel part with beer somewhat carefully to prevent excessive head, lower the hose to the crouching "bongee". The person taking the bong blocks the flow with either the valve or a thumb. Try to remove all the air you can –then its game on. The removal of the thumb and clean insertion into the mouth is a skill developed with some practice – but if you’re bonging a beer you’re probably not worried about spilling all that much anyway. Repeat 15 or 20 times, then wet yourself, dial up an ex, and wake up in a truck bed sleeping in your own vomit. Good times.