We’re a third of the way through the season and WRNL brings you our power rankings thus far for the Big XII Conference. Teams were ranked using the only reasonable scale we could think of: a twelver of Natty Light! Obviously the more Natty’s a team receives the higher our opinion of them is, minus Nebraska who despite having to admit their talent we ultimately despise.
Oklahoma Sooners 4-0 (0-0)
With Oklahoma this year, it seems like you never know what you’re going to get. Are you going to get the team that convincingly beat a quality Florida State team in week 2, or the team that struggled to get by a downtrodden Cincinnati and Air Force? The Sooners can be equated to hiring a stripper for your buddy’s bachelor party through a company you’ve never used before. You really don’t know if whether she’s gonna show up looking like Angelina and willing to entertain the idea of "happy endings" or if she’s gonna hop through the door on her one good leg, squirm around the living room floor for a half hour, throw up, then leave. Obviously you’d prefer Angelina, but enough booze makes the latter sound pretty good too! At their best Oklahoma is the class of the conference this year, no doubt. But at their worst they are a very beatable team. We’ll learn a lot this next week when they square off against Texas in the Cotton Bowl.
Oklahoma gets 10 ice cold Natty Lights, all of which will come in handy on those one legged vomiting stripper type Saturdays.
Kansas State Wildcats 4-0 (1-0)
Well, now I’ve seen everything. The spokesperson for "Oops I crapped my pants" has K-State looking good after four games and with an outside chance to compete for the north title. Daniel Tomas and a bunch of players no one has ever heard of seem to have a pretty good thing going right now. With quality wins over UCLA and Central Florida, as well as a victory to open up conference play against Iowa State, K-State is sitting pretty atop the North Division. Next up, Nebraska, which will really be a good indicator of who will have the pleasure of getting beat by a South Division team in the Big XII Championship this year. Hopefully Bill Snyder’s prostate holds out, cause the Wildcats Look like they may have the potential to make some noise this year. (WRNL editors also send well-wishes to any prostate issues the owner of the Redskins may be dealing with)
9 Nattys for the K-State, but you better heap some Metamucil in those bad boys. The ‘Ol ball coach just can’t quite process carbs like he used to.
Nebraska Cornhuskers 4-0 (0-0)
The "Big Red" throbbing rectum that is the mouth of every Husker fan this year has done nothing but tell us how they’re "back" and ready to make another run at the national title. We’ll, I’m here to call BS on that one. The most overrated team in the country struggled to get by lowly South Dakota State last week, taking some of the wind out of Nebbie fan’s "this is the year" argument. They have wins over Idaho, some directional school from Kentucky, and a Washington team that appears to have been overhyped like crazy for having a talented QB. The Husker’s are looking to leave the big XII on top, but will most likely go out in the same fashion they have for most of the last decade: with either Texas’ or Oklahoma’s balls in their mouth. Have fun in the Big Ten Next year Nebraska, and please bring your "Get-R-Done" shirts with you.
The Huskers get 8 Nattys. They are talented, don’t get me wrong, but they don’t have what it takes to win the conference this year (or ever again for that matter)
Texas A&M Aggies 3-0 (0-0)
The Aggies are coming off a bye in week four undefeated, but with wins over virtually no one with a pulse. They played poorly against Florida International but that may be due, in part, to lack of fan support. What’s that you might ask, A&M has great fans, right? Rumor has it that the "12th man" has been busy still whining and crying over why they weren’t invited to the Big Ten or the SEC and doesn’t know if he can take being Texas’ whipping boy much longer. Well things are looking up for the Aggies, we think this might be a good year for you A&M fan. Odds are you won’t win the south division, although I wouldn’t rule that out, but most likely you can capitalize on Texas being extremely mediocre. At least you’ll have that to brag about for a while. Well, until they beat you in everything else that is. A&M has a rough road ahead of them if they plan on making a run at the Big XII title with Arkansas, OSU, MO, NE, OU, and Texas (who is still Texas even if they aren’t great) left on the schedule. Good Luck with that!
A&M gets 8 Natty Lights. Texas is gonna be sooooo jealous!
Missouri Tigers 4-0 (0-0)
Missourah looked very average the first few weeks, playing a little too close with a bad Illinois team and San Diego State. However last week the Tigers showed everyone that their offense is capable of putting up points in bunches. If they can build on that, which will be fairly easy considering their next opponent is CU, the Tigers could easily wind up in the hunt for the north title come the end of November. Missourah appears to be playing with a chip on their shoulder this year and are looking to show the Big Ten that they are not happy with being used like an inflatable love doll at a WRNL tailgate during conference re-alignment. Best of luck to you with your, "Don’t you wish you had this booty now?" campaign Tiger faithful.
Missourah gets 7 of the coldest Larry Eustachy sponsored trim magnets around. After all, a Tiger post game party is what helped make the LE Natty connection that lead to one hell of a website. For that, we here at WRNL will always salute any drunken Mizzou co-ed!
Oklahoma State Cowboys 3-0 (0-0)
OSU might not have Zac Robinson and Dez Bryant this year, but they do have an old balls quarterback in Brandon Weeden (who was actually drafted by the New York Yankees in 2002 as a pitcher) who looks to have a cannon for an arm. The Cowboys are fielding a very capable squad that appears to be underrated in the South Division: a division which unlike most years seems to be wide open heading into conference play. OSU is going to put up points for sure, the only questions that remain to be answered are on the defensive side of the ball. So potentially we may be seeing a lot of Pistol Pete dancing around in the end zone shooting cap guns up into the air this season. Is it just me or do you imagine that guy just tooling around Stillwater in an El Camino with his pants around his ankles? So creepy…
Okie State gets 6 Nattys, all of which Pistol Pete will pound before heading down to the Piggly Wiggly to ogle high school grocery baggers from the parking lot.
Texas Longhorns 3-1 (1-0)
Wow, Texas sure is low on the Natty Scale, but that’s what losing two of the most productive players in school history in Jordan Shipley and Colt McCoy will do to ya. Texas is not ranked even remotely close to the top nationally in virtually any meaningful offensive category and is coming off a donkey whipping in front of their home crowd at the hands of UCLA. It must be tough to be Texas when a down year still yields something along the lines of a 7-5 to 9-3 record and a decent bowl bid just for being Texas. But the Longhorns could potentially drop out of the top 25 if they show up this week, or should I say don’t show up, against Oklahoma in the Red River Rivalry like they did this past Saturday. Texas, you’re like the Yankees of college sports, typically good and the envy of almost everyone. But when you aren’t your typical self, it makes the rest of us just a little happier. "Oh yes Texas fan, let me drink your delicious tears of sadness. Drown me in your envy!"
Texas gets 6 Natty’s, warm ones though because it’s nice to kick the cool kid when he’s down.
Texas Tech Red Raiders 2-1 (0-1)
Texas Tech may not have Mike Leach at the helm anymore, or anyone locked in an equipment closet for that matter, but the Red Raiders still have some firepower. They have looked good at times, but mostly against inferior opponents. They played Texas close last time out, but came away with a ten point loss. Tech has some unanswered questions on both sides of the ball, but look for them to hang with most teams in conference. For those of you Raider fans heading to Iowa for this weeks game in Ames, bring your drinkin’ pants. It’s ON!
Texas Tech gets 5 Natty’s. Bring them with you to Ames this Saturday and we’ll teach you how to drink em the right way… out of a Vevuzela!
Iowa State Cyclones 2-2 (0-1)
ISU hasn’t exactly been "Hitting people coming off the bus" thus far this year, especially considering both games away from Jack Trice Stadium have been painful losses. Iowa took the Cyclones to the woodshed in Iowa City and KSU beat out ISU in a very winnable game for the Clones on a neutral field. Iowa State has wins over directional schools from Illinois and Iowa for a less than impressive resume heading into conference play. The road ahead for ISU is certainly going to be a rough one with three of the next 4 opponents being ranked in the top 25. In reality, if they can come out of their next four games without Utah and the strength of the Big XII south running a train on them, a repeat of last years 6-6 record isn’t necessarily out of the question, but is still a lofty goal. The ISU-CU game in Boulder mid November will most likely be the game that determines 4th place in the north division and bragging rights for who the cooler kid on the short bus is.
The Cyclones get 4 Natty's. They’re probably only deserving of 3, but ISU needs all the booze they can get to cope with the gauntlet that lays ahead of them.
Baylor Bears 3-1 (0-0)
The pride of at least 5-6 thousand people in Waco, Texas is riding high after a big win last week over the Rice Owls! Baylor also has wins so far this season over powerhouses such as Sam Houston and Buffalo… look out! The only actual opponent to suit up against Baylor, The TCU Horned Frogs, gave the Bears a curb stomping that would make Edward Norton jealous, beating them by 35 points. Baylor’s record doesn’t look too bad right now, but expect that loss column to catch up real quick once they get into conference play. Robert Griffen might be good, but not amount of Southern Baptist prayer is going to will him and the Baylor Bears past the strength of the Big XII South. As usual, Baylor will finish last in the south division, although this brings up a valid question. If no one sees Baylor lose, did it really happen?
Baylor gets 3 delicious Natty's, none of which can be drank or sold on Sunday.
Colorado Buffaloes 2-1 (0-0)
Dan Hawkin’s Buffaloes aren’t playing intramurals, but it’s certainly up for debate how much better they would fare in an after school frat league. CU entered their bye week this past Saturday with a 2-1 record, which in reality doesn’t sound all that bad, except for the fact that their 2 wins were over Colorado State and Hawaii. The only semi competitive team on the schedule thus far, Cal, handed them a pimp slapping that would make award winners at The Player’s Ball wish they knew how to really slap a hoe! And don’t look now CU fan, but next up on the docket is Georgia. Welcome to 2-2 in non conference after next week. But hey, at least you’ll have that hippie lettuce and your trust funds to ease the pain that will be a miserable last year in the Big XII. A new coach, a new conference, and hopefully a few new hook ups in the kind bud cultivating community will probably suit you well in the Pac 10 next season. The Buffaloes definitely have an uphill battle ahead of them and you can expect them to be duking it out all year with ISU for the title of "Slightly better than Kansas" in the north.
Colorado gets 3 Natty Lights. Work those over and mix it in with a bit of Afghani Kush, then get out and cruise around town on your long boards!
Kansas Jayhawks 2-2 (0-0)
We’ll I guess you can say that the Turner Gill era isn’t exactly starting out like everyone had hoped: although his swear jar is probably getting pretty full at this point. KU started off the season by flexing their offensive muscle in a 6-3 loss to FCS North Dakota State. They followed that up with a close win over a less than impressive Georgia Tech team, and then with another loss to Southern Mississippi. SMU coincidentally shares team helmets with our foes to the East in an attempt to cut corners with the athletic budget. I wonder what they do with Iowa’s ANF helmet sticker when they’re using them? I suppose they need "farmers" in Mississippi too though, especially after that whole Emancipation Proclamation thing. KU got back to .500 after handily beating a glorified 4A squad last week in New Mexico State. The Jayhawks are easily the worst team in the Big XII this year; you need look no further than week 1 to realize that. Look for them to be bringing up the caboose in the north for the remainder of the year.
KU gets a ½ Natty Light, mostly because they suck, but in part because Turner Gill can’t handle a fully.
If you didn’t notice, there isn’t a single team in these rankings that received a full case (12) of Natty’s. That’s because it doesn’t seem like there is that one team to beat, everyone appears to have a weakness. It seems that there is far more parity in the big XII this year than in years past. On any given weekend the Baylor’s or the ISU’s of the world look to have the opportunity to catch one of the big boys sleeping. Well, except KU. The only one the Jayhawks are going to catch sleeping is their old lady with one of the cool kids. Sorry, better luck during basketball season.
Look for another Big XII power ranking after week 8.