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Know Your Enemy: Rutgers Edition

Here at WRNL we would like to welcome back a little segment that we run every off-season called "Know Your Enemy". The purpose of this segment is to acquaint our loyal readers with the schools on our schedule. There was some clamoring this off-season that we cut the program short, but frankly, it’s a bit ridiculous to go over the same set of schools every year. Therefore, KYE will be reserved for new foes on the Cyclones schedule, be they bowl games, non-conference, or additions via conference realignment.

With the Clones bowl eligible and headed to New York City for the Pinstripe Bowl, we would like to take this opportunity to introduce you, loyal reader, to our new opponent. The State University of New Jersey, also known as "Rutgers". Rutgers is the birthplace of college football. The first collegiate football game was played on the Rutgers campus v. Princeton in 1869. So there, Jersey HAS done something right.

Follow the jump to read all sorts of things you never knew about Rutgers (note: the majority of this is complete BS)!

Rutgers takes the field at High Point Solutions Stadium, on the banks of the Raritan River in Piscataway, New Jersey. Without question, this is a very reverent, classy name for the venue where the game was fucking invented. You got a problem with that, bitch? COME AT ME BRO! YOU SEE DIS HAYCUT? ALL MY BOYS HAVE DIS HAYCUT? Don’t give Rutgers any shit about their stadium name, or they’ll take your girlfriend out behind a dumpster and get all balls deep in that shit. CORPORATE STADIUM NAMING RIGHTS FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING WIN! High Point Solutions Stadium is best remembered for the "Pandemonium in Piscataway" game against Louisville in 2006, where the Scarlet Knights kept Louisville out of the BCS Title Game and probably saved the Big East’s AQ bid for several years by entertaining the whole fucking country that night.

So much muff cabbage

FANS: Rutgers fans are Muff Cabbage. You heee dat? MUFF CABBAGE. YOU GOT CABBAGE IN YO MUFF.



As discussed earlier, Rutgers invented the fucking game bro. Respect that shit. Rutgers proudly lays claim to the illustrious 1869 National Championship, which they shared with Princeton after the schools played each other twice and split the matchups. Do not taunt Rutgers about how idiotic this is. They WILL bust a nut on your mother’s face and fuck your entire family in the ass. Other Rutgers traditions include fist pumping and sandwiches made entirely out of deep fried stuff.


Unlike some other schools who are hypocritically beyond reproach, they decided to add a new mascot in the 1950s. Since they were tired of all the Jersey trash jokes, Rutgers figured that if they created a mascot based on English nobility that people would take them seriously. This is all fine and well when your state doesn't produce this:


But seriously, the Scarlet Knight is better than the Chanticleer. Yes, Rutgers' mascot at one point in time was called the Chanticleer.


On paper, Greg Schiano is listed as Rutgers head coach and is credited for turning the program around over his 9 year tenure. However, everyone knows that’s a load of shit. It’s fuckin’ Jersey, bro. Everyone knows the Boss runs shit here. Here at WRNL, we’ve recently uncovered that the secret to Rutgers’ resurgence over the past half decade is really the result of their secret coaching weapons. In fact, the Rutgers coaching staff is actually comprised of head coach Bruce Springsteen, co-defensive coordinators are Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora (who inflict their bad medicine on opposing offenses) and offensive (in more ways than one) coordinator The Situation (because nobody scores on east coast skanks like the Sitch)

Seriously, Jon. You need to tell them that the "steel horse" is your vibrator.

Dude. This is Know Your Enemy. Analysis? Fuck that.

We've never played. Again, fuck this section.

My hack analysis says that going 6-6 in the Big 12 > going 8-4 in the Big Least. If I were Rutgers, I would be dreaming up ways to teabag that conference before they get the Big 12 or ACC invite. In true Jersey style, they'll likely knock up half the Big East on their way out the door and never pay any child support with that real conference money.

But they'll send a nice card with $5 every Christmas.