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Ferentz Inches Closer to Actually Defecating on Local Media

AP, Iowa City IA

During today's pre-Insight Bowl media conference, Kirk Ferentz was asked about the veracity of a rumor regarding the hospitalization of an Iowa football player.

Ferentz responded not in his usual fashion, which consists of waving his hand and saying "these aren't the droids you are looking for", but with a curt, juvenile jab at the reporters:

"Today? Boy, you guys have great sources. I passed gas out there about an hour into practice., Did you guys catch that on mic? I’ll see if I can muster one up for you right now."

Immediately following this response, several members of the Cedar Rapids Gazette and Iowa City Press Citizen started masturbating vigorously, aroused by yet another utterly uninformative and borderline insulting comment from Ferentz regarding the current state of his program.

There has been speculation for several years that Ferentz could actually shower the Iowa media in his own feces, and still receive their praises. Today, he took a step towards making that speculation a reality.

"Clearly, we're all just all hoping and praying that Kirk delivers a giant Boston Steamer on our collective chests, but we realize that one has to work up to those sort of things. You can't just start dropping chest dukes out of thin air," said an anonymous reporter from the Gazette. "Kirk offering to fart on us is probably the most exciting thing to happen on this front since he lied to our faces about the Rhabdo incident" the source noted noted.