Hey girl, how you doing? You're looking good. We're the Iowa State men's basketball team, and we've had our eye on you all season. We see you there, cheering on the Cyclones in your best red & gold hoodie. We want you to know that we appreciate the effort, and we are going give you what you need this year. Yeah girl, and we know what you need. You need Royce White jamming home monstrous dunk after monstrous dunk.
Oh, that's right. Jamming. It. In.
You need Tyrus McGee running up and down the court like a spastic terrier, harrassing the other team like it's some joker at the bar trying to hit on your fine ass. You need Chris Allen slicing through defenders like a hot knife through a pat of butter that's been warming for hours on your smooth, sensuous...
Sorry girl, we got ahead of ourselves for a moment.
But that's the thing, girl! You got us all excited and ready to play! We can't wait to get out there in Hilton and show you what we got. Percy Gibson is gonna be blocking shots like a bulletproof vest!
There will also be three-pointers.
Soooo many three-pointers. We'll be playing around the arc like Noah during the flood. We're getting downright biblical with it! We'll be making it rain from downtown. Aww yeah, you like downtown, don't you girl?
But girl, we believe honesty is the best policy, so we want to let you know there's a couple things we WON'T do. Number one, we'll never break your heart. Number two, we're not going to be playing a lot of defense. That's just our style, girl. If you want to see a 45-42 defensive struggle, you best visit Bo Ryan up north. 'Tis better to put up more points than your opponent than to waste your energy on defense. Shakespeare said that.
We also don't really like rebounding. I mean, if the ball just falls in our lap, we'll take it, you know? But how can we sweat it out pulling down those boards when we're sweatin' you up in the stands?
Actually, those last two might break your heart a little.
Hey, we can't promise that it'll only be good times. They'll be some bumps in the road, some rough patches. We might fuck around and lose to Central Michigan. But we're here for you girl, and we will be all season. And just to help you remember us, we made some posters for you. Hang these above your bed, light some candles, put on some music, and just...
Damn, there we go again...
So yeah, girl. We'll be in Hilton all year. Hit us up.