We know that not everybody follows signing day as closely as us, so we thought we'd give our readers a quick profile of a couple of our recruits.
David Irving, DE - David Irving's potential upside is a full grown bear. We really think that by the time he's a senior, Irving will stand about 7'6", be covered in brown fur and will have fully developed paws with 3" claws. He'll also be adept at catching salmon in streams and quarterbacks will not be safe when Irving is on the field, as he'll be able to run, climb and swim better than just about any athlete the competition puts on the field. Potential weaknesses/distractions include Coca-Cola, Russian circuses where unicyles are involved and any women in attendance who are menstruating.
Jared Brackens, S - Has been rumored by some to be the biggest safety ever to play football. He's like Ronnie Lott, Troy Polamalu and Ed Reed - if they were one person. In his recruiting videos, they spotlight Brackens as one player, but if you look close, you see that he's actually three different players at different spots on the field.
DeVondrick Nealy, ATH: The highest rated of the Cyclones' 2011 signing class, Devondrick is a dual threat equally adept at having an awesome name, as well as playing football. He will likely see immediate playing time, just like last year's freshman sensation: Shontrelle Johnson.
The only problem with this is that NO ONE knows what he'll actually play. There are two schools of thought on this matter, with one preferring he stay at the running back position, and the other suggesting he move to punter so that Iowa State can create the 2 punter trick formation with Kirby Van Der Kamp, Iowa State's Freshman All-America punter, and the owner of the highest returning QB rating on the team.
Steele Jantz, QB - With a name that was clearly lifted out of the credits of "Backdoor Sluts 9", Jantz rides into Ames amidst a white pony of greatness. Pissing throwing motion, shitting arm strength, and ejaculating accuracy, Jantz is the Great White Hope. The second coming of Seneca Wallace. The greatest athlete in the history of sport. His presence on the Cyclone sideline will guarantee 5 wins, with his actually gracing the field yielding nothing less than a BCS Championship.
Tad Ecby, WR: Likely to hold the record for shortest name in Cyclone Football history, which will be much appreciated by the athletics staff, who usually have to deal with names like Ruempolhamer and Vanderkamp. In actuality, this is 80% of the reason the staff recruited him. The other 20% lies in the fact that his high school reported a 3.7 40 yard dash and a 56 inch vertical. Somehow all these tangible stats escaped the crappy recruiting staffs at Texas and Oklahoma and Iowa State was the beneficiary.
Tad is from Houston, and his decision to come to Iowa State was further reaffirmed after the odd sprinkling of snow recently in Texas, shutting down schools. Tad was quoted as saying: "Man, we got school canceled for 2 inches of snow, I hear Ames gets 6 to 7 inches on the regular, they must cancel school all the time!".
Nobody tell him he's wrong.
Kenneth Lynn, CB: Lynn originally committed to ISU, then decommitted and committed to KU, then back to ISU. What gave? Well, one can only assume that Lynn suffered from a severe case of amnesia. Thinking it was 2008, he committed to what he thought was Mark Mangino's rapidly ascending Big 12 New Order. Fresh off a BCS victory over Virginia Tech, Lynn decided he wanted to be part of a rising star. When he got to Lawrence, he was in for a rude awakening.
Discovering that it was actually 2011, and KU had actually won less games in the past 2 years than they had in 2007 alone, Lynn was stunned to realize that within 2 hours on campus he had already incurred over $250 in fines payable directly to Head Coach Turner "Dean Wormer" Gill's Cuss Jar. Realizing what was going on, Lynn immediately decommitted from KU and switched back to Paul "Bloodsport" Rhoads and the ISU Cyclones.
WRNL would like to welcome all our recruits and remind them that the most important thing isn't to study hard or lift weights, it's to memorize the number of the Drunk Bus: 292-1100.