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Redneck WeddingShockingly, not an actual picture from wedding.Last night I had the opportunity to attend a wedding in Illinois. I knew this wedding was going to be a shit show, but I had no fucking idea how great/uncomfortable it was going to get. 

5:30 - The evening starts off fairly nice. Small hints of hillbillyness after the service; way too much talk of deer hunting/dragging deer in best man speech. Someone yells "Take off your shirt!" during maid of honor speech. So far, things still relatively normal. 

7:30 -  Shit gets weird in a hurry. Bride and groom both are hammered drunk at this point, to the point of being unable to walk. These are not the type of people that should be allowed anywhere near an open bar. 

8:00 - Bride throws garter. Her brother (27 year old grown man) is way too into it. He catches it, but in doing so goes crashing into a table and about kills an old woman. Brother then proceeds to smell the garter, then wears his sister's garter around his head. Not weird at all, right? 

Then, in some sort of Southern Illinois tradition that I've obviously never seen before, they have the guy who caught the garter (inappropriate brother) put it on the girl who caught the bouquet. Well, of course he chooses to do this in the most inappropriate way possible. He's so drunk that he loses his balance and falls forward knocking her backwards in her chair, ending up with him landing face first in her snatch. Instead of just being apologetic and all, he motorboats it. Old people mortified, the room is silent. I, on the other hand could not enjoy the sheer ridiculousness any more.

9:00 - People have moved past the dance floor mouth rape and are continuing to get as boozed as possible. Bride's brother/garter bandit has been in a ridiculously loud argument with his girlfriend for some time. Clearly she's pissed that he motorboated some chicks snatch in front of 200 people. and rightfully so.

The girl who was the recipient of the snatch tickle and garter show is way more drunk than anyone (par for the course). Her and her boyfriend are having a far more heated argument that I believe even got a little physical.  Her boyfriend goes outside and for no apparent reason coldcocks one of the limo drivers twice and kicks a giant dent in the side of the newlyweds' white limousine. Drunk garter bitch starts screaming and yelling, causing boyfriend to storm off all pissed toward a pond about 50 yards away. Drunk bitch follows and starts hitting him. He decides he's had enough and throws her into the moss covered stagnant pond. Greatest thing I've ever seen.

At this point I go back inside because obviously shit is getting real. I grab a Captain and sit back to watch the next series of events unfold. The proprietor of the establishment calls 911 to get the cops on the way.

9:30 - The dude that threw his girlfriend in the pond takes off into the woods (still don't know what ever happened to him). I'm sitting there waiting for the cops to show up. Bride and groom are going nuts screaming and yelling about how their wedding got ruined. This then turns to them fighting with each other (which they always do when they're drunk anyway). They get to the point where they aren't even talking. Somebody says something to set the groom off and a random guy and myself basically have to use child restraint techniques to get him under control. He gets corralled in the bathroom and talked down by some relatives. 

Out of nowhere through the front door of the reception hall walks the chick that got thrown into the pond... in only a really muddy pair of bra and panties... no dress to be found anywhere. She then just starts crying and lays down on the floor. Guest thinking WTF and everyone decides it's probably time to leave. The cops show up and deal with the half naked bitch, taking mercy and letting her go home with one of the few not drunk idiots. The cops look for her boyfriend who sucker punched the limo driver, but cant find him. Limo driver decides not to press charges. Nights over?

10:30 - Bride and groom still aren't talking to each other so they get rides home with other people. Since there is a prepaid limo sitting there, my high school buddy and I are like: "Fuck it, we need a ride home". So the two of us go riding off in a white limo that says "Just Married" on the back windshield. We did not consummate in the limo though.