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Stock Up On Your Hawk Gear, While It Lasts

This shit’s gonna go fast people! These are some of the most interesting items we found being sold at "Herky’s Locker Room".

The Ever So Trendy Baseball Cap -
Of course they have flat billed hats. Is there anything that complements an extremely over inflated sense of self worth more than a hat with a flat bill and the sticker left on it? This is the perfect accessory for the young hawk fan to be able to say to everyone else in the trailer court: "Hey, I had nearly $30 saved up once. Jealous much?" $24.99

The Handy Pocket Vibrator -
Can't get to a Metrodome restroom to have sex with strangers? Not 21 yet and they won't let you into the Summit? Ladies, don't let your loins go malnourished. Pick yourself up one of these convenient pocket vibrators. They come in three speeds: tickle, medium, and Pierre violation. $12.99 AC car adapter sold separately.

Home Security System -

Live in a high crime neighborhood full of meth heads and degenerates (very likely if you're shopping for Iowa gear)? Why not announce to those criminals: "We ain't got shit worth stealing up in here". While it's likely they'll still come in and take your VCR and cans intended for redemption, it's worth a shot. Made of 100% real fake brass. $49.99

Home Circumcision Kit -

Get rid of that filthy foreskin while supporting the team at the same time. You and all your buddies will love the "home circumcision kit". It's portable, reusable, and we can guarantee that the blades will never dull. Don't get caught looking like a European street gigolo, give your tip the snip your parents couldn't afford when you were born in the back of that '86 El Camino. $9.99 (while supplies last)

Hawkeye Guide to Parenting -

Any Hawk fan will tell you that parenting is hard. You try balancing unemployment with raising a child... Shit is tough! Since you likely don't have the time for your child, let the University of Iowa teach that little heathen the lessons it needs with this hastily made educational video. Featuring life lessons such as "Looking Both Ways" by Ed Podalak and "The Dangers of Trans Fats" by Norm Parker. There is also an in depth introduction to public relations presented by Iowa Athletic Director Gary Barta. Your child will not turn off this video! $29.99

Treat yourself to something nice folks: