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Frank Martin Takes a Survey


(Sunday afternoon. Frank Martin is dozing in his favorite recliner while "Scarface" plays on the TV. The telephone wakes him)

Frank Martin: Say hello to my little friend?

Telemarketer: Uhhhh... Good afternoon sir, is Frank Martin available?

Frank Martin: Who do you think you are, hmm?

Telemarketer: Sir, my name is Chad and I'm conducting a survey on the potential candidates in the 2012 election, and I was hoping to get your views about...

Frank Martin: Okay, here's the story. I come from the gutter. I know that. I got no education, but that's okay. I know the street, and I'm making all the right connections. With the right woman, there's no stopping me. I could go right to the top.

Telemarketer: ... Oohhh-kaaayyy, that's very interesting. But I really just need to get your opinion about the upcoming election. Do you have time for a few questions? Please, we'd just like your honest opinion.

Frank Martin: I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.

Telemarketer: Ha, very good Mr. Martin; I'll take that as a yes. Question one: On a scale from one to ten, how appealing is Newt Gingrich as a candidate?

Frank Martin: Somebody oughta do something about those... those whores.

Telemarketer: I'm sorry sir, are you saying that Newt Gingrich is a prostitute?

Frank Martin: I got ears, ya know. I hear things.

Telemarketer: Fair enough; I suppose Newt's lobbying efforts have been well documented. I'll mark you down for a "three" for Mr. Gingrich. Now, on a scale from one to ten, how appealing do you find Rick Santorum as a candidate?

Frank Martin: That prick. Fucking WASP slut. Thinking I'm some maricon coming off a banana boat.

Telemarketer: Mr. Martin, PLEASE watch your language, this phone call is being recorded. I highly doubt Mr. Santorum believes you came off a "banana boat," and I really don't think either Mr. Santorum or Mr. Gingrich perform sexual favors for money. Why don't I just mark you down for a "one" for Mr. Santorum and we move on?

Frank Martin: You want to waste my time? Okay. I call my lawyer. He's the best lawyer in Miami. He's such a good lawyer, that by tomorrow morning, you gonna be working in Alaska. So dress warm.

Telemarketer: Wow, you are just a mess of non sequiturs aren't you, Mr. Martin? I assure you that I'm not here to waste anyone's time, I'm just trying to gauge the the public's opinion in this election year. Now, in a sentence, please describe your current feelings about the United States.

Frank Martin: This is paradise, I'm tellin' ya. This country's like a great big pussy just waiting to get fucked.

Telemarketer: LANGUAGE, Mr. Martin! And technically, that's two sentences; but I think you're trying to say that right now, you believe America to be paradise?

Frank Martin: In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.

Telemarketer: Ha, very good again, Mr. Martin. Our capitalist system certainly has provided many opportunities for advancement and...

Frank Martin: Capitalism? You know what capitalism is? Getting fucked!

Telemarketer: You know what? Screw this. I've tried being polite, I've tried being patient; but you've been nothing but rude for this entirety of this call. And that commode mouth! I've never heard such language! I don't know who you think you are, but...

Frank Martin: I'm... I'm sorry. Look, can I be honest with you?

Telemarketer: I don't know why you would start now, but go ahead.

Frank Martin: I grew up in Miami, and life was pretty rough growing up. As the son of Cuban immigrants, I didn't really know my place in the world, and I didn't have many heroes to look up to. You know the movie "Scarface" with Al Pacino? Well, that movie kinda provided a blueprint for my life. Tony Montana taught me how to be tough, how to survive in the basketball game.

But somewhere along the way, "Scarface" became more than just a movie to me. It became my life. I watched it every day, started dressing, walking, talking like Tony. Hell, I'm pretty sure every word I've said to you in this interview has come from that movie. I don't know what to do anymore. All my friends have abandoned me. My players are all terrified that if they screw up, I'm going to blow up their cars. I... I think I need help, Chad. Will you help me?

Telemarketer: Wow... I'm sorry, that sounds horrible. I don't know, but I can try to help you. What can I do?

Frank Martin: Why don't you try sticking your head up your ass? See if it fits.

Telemarketer: All right, fuck off Martin! I don't know why I let my guard down. You can go to hell!

Frank Martin: Okay Chad; you wanna fuck with me? You fucking with the best! You wanna fuck with me? You better bring an army! Okay, you little cockroach; come on! You wanna play games? Okay, I play with you; come on! Okay, you wanna play rough? Okay! SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!

(Chad slams the phone down. Frank Martin looks at the receiver, satisfied that he's vanquished another foe, and nods off again)