10:00 AM - TEAM MEETING
"Morning, men! Welcome to Kansas State football's first team meeting. I trust you're all filled with piss n' vinegar, like me! Well, at first I was just filled with vinegar...
Now! Let's review discipline:
Missin' a blocking assignment? That's a paddlin'.
Forgettin' to use your Lister's Carbonic Unguent and Snyder's Revitalizing Tonic? That's a paddlin'.
Makin' fun of my ear hair? That's a paddlin'.
Paddlin' the school canoe around Tuttle Creek? Oh, you better believe that's a paddlin."
11:00 AM - EXPLAINS OFFENSIVE PHILOSOPHY
"I tell you, football's changed. I used to be with it, then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary."
12:00 PM - MEETING WITH BOOSTERS
"One trick for dealin' with boosters is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere; like the time I caught the ferry over to Lawrence. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Lawrence in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh yeah, the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.."
1:00 PM - TAKES BREAK TO WRITE DAILY CORRESPONDENCE
Dear Mark Emmert,
I am disgusted with the way football coaches are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when football was bland and inoffensive.
The following is a list of words I never want to hear on televison again. Number one: No huddle. Number two: Four vertical. Number three: Gus Johnson..
Also, there are too many football teams nowadays. Please eliminate three.
PS - I am not a crackpot.
4:00 PM - POST-PRACTICE PEP TALK
"Everybody here? Good! Hey, listen up, men! Now, my story begins in 19 dickety two. We had to say dickety 'cause that Kaiser had stolen our word twenty. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety six miles...
Wait, what was my point again? Oh, that's right! You never know what you're capable of. Remember that. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong."
"Oh, dang it! That turtle has my false teeth again!
Come back here, you!
OW! He bit me with my own teeth!"
6:00 PM - RELAX WITH EVENING PAPER
"The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it!"