The Apologetic Big 12

Yesterday, newspapers reported that Big 12 officials apologized to Oklahoma State head coach Mike Gundy over Texas' missed goal-line fumble in last Saturday's OSU-UT game. Big 12 officials quickly responded that those reports were incorrect; and stated that there had been no apology issued. However, the Big 12 did take time to release a list of apologies for mistakes the conference has made over the past 18 years.

Great work, Johnny!

• The oh-so-current logo, created by precocious fifth-grader Johnny Menkins in third-period computer class back in 1994.
• Nebraska. Just the whole state.
• "Points are a limited resource, guys! The Big 12's reckless scoring is creating a shortage in other conferences! Just look at the terrible offensive output from schools in the Big Ten!"
• The failure to take down the kingpins behind the Missouri Tigers, a crime syndicate who used the university as a front to manufacture and distribute low-grade meth to the general populace.
• The conference's inability to count (10 =/= 12).
• Insufficient fire-safety instructions posted in West Virginia's stadium, which allowed West Virginia and Baylor to set the field ablaze, taking the life of several cornerbacks. RIP, Joe Williams.
• Creating a conference game so exciting it turned Nick Saban from evil defensive-minded dwarf into a crotchety old man ranting about how things used to be better back in the day. Watch that back-sass, son; or Saban'll get the hickory switch.
• Feline AIDS. Not the Big 12's fault in any way; just really, really sad.
• "Big 12 conference network? Who the hell would want to watch that? APPROVAL DENIED."
• The CoLOLorado BuffaLOLes.
• Letting Texas A&M ruin an old man's dying wish in 1998. RIP, Bill Snyder.

Join the purple side of the force...

• Harboring undead warlocks.
• Letting Missouri play football circa 2004.
• Letting Kansas play football circa 2005.
• Moving the Big 12 basketball tournament from its ancestral home in basketball-crazed Kansas City to the basketball wasteland of Dallas, Texas for a few years.
• Unequal revenue distribution. No joke here, it was just really fucking dumb.
• Allowing Texas A&M and their mason jar-toting yell leaders anywhere near high-functioning members of society. Decent women and children in Iowa, Kansas and Oklahoma still bear the trauma of the Aggie's time in the conference.
• Summer of Terror '10: CONFERENCE REALIGN-MAGEDDON.
• Summer of Terror '11: REALIGN-MAGEDDON II: The Quickening. Worst franchise idea in history.
• The conference's insistence that the conference name be written as "Big 12" instead of the much classier "Big XII."
• "Today, we are proud to announce Dan Beebe as the next commissioner of the Big 12 conference."