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WRNLabs: The Picker

[A cheaply made infomercial airs to a non-existent audience at 3 a.m. on Mediacom channel 22.]


"Hello there, Dr. Larry here with my faithful assistant Bueker, bringing you yet another exciting product from Wide Right Natty Labs designed make your life easier! Do you agonize over how deep to take the Cyclones in your NCAA tournament office pool bracket? Do you struggle with picking Kentucky in the second round, feeling like a traitor? Do you pencil in Iowa State to the final four in a bout of loyalty, knowing it's a fools bet when Kentucky is such a heavy favorite to win it all? "


"And I, as well, Bueker. It's easy enough to pick objectively teams you don't care about, but trying to decide how far to advance Iowa State in your office pool bracket is always going to be a struggle between fanboyish optimism and reality. This year is a real Sophies's Choice, because we all know how well this team can play when they're hitting on all cylinders. But the path to surviving the weekend is going to be an absolutely brutal one - the defending national champions followed by the #1 overall seed in what will essentially be a home game for Kentucky."

"Meep Meep Meep MEEP?"

"Indeed. Blood everywhere. But with this revolutionary new product, we have not only found a scientific way to calculate when it is okay to pick against your school, we have actually found a way to quantify the amount of shame you should feel in doing so."


"That's right. For example, take the game on Thursday against Connecticut. Thanks to Connect-four-icut's status as defending national champions and their insane 11-game post-season winning streak last year, a lot of national experts are already talking about the Kentucky vs. Connect-the-dots matchup as if it were a foregone conclusion. Just remember two things: Everyone's bracket gets busted every year anyway, and it is NEVER okay to pick against your alma mater in the first round if they are the higher seed. My assistant Bueker will now use our new product to calculate the amount of shame you should feel should you pick the XBox Kinect-icuts instead of the Cyclones."

[Bueker pushes some buttons on a device that looks suspiciously like a scientific calculator with a Natty Lite logo painted on the back]

SHAME LEVEL: 4.75 DonSho

"Hmmm, yes. It says here that one should feel approximately 4.75 Tijuana Donkey Shows' worth of shame should they choose the Huskies over the Cyclones. Remind me to calibrate this into Metric units before we start shipping orders."


"Anyway, along with quantifying shame units, it does a great job of picking winners in the NCAA tournament. For example, I've entered my pick of Iowa State defeating Kentucky, and it's giving the Cyclones a 15% chance to prevail!"


"Oh wait, you're right. I was reading it wrong. This says the Cyclones only have a 1.5% chance of surviving the weekend. Still, better than nothing I suppose. Bueker, why don't you ask it about a few of your picks?"

"Meep Meep Mee-Mee Meep Meep?"

Your choice of "DUKE" has a 22.3% chance of reaching the regional final.

"Meep Meep Meeeeeep meep meep."

Your choice of "LONG BEACH STATE" has a 45.2% chance of winning their first game. 73% of America has chosen this upset.

"Meep Meep Meep Meep Meeeeeep-Meep!"

Your choice, "KANSAS STATE" could not be found. Initiating Self-Destruct Sequence in 3....2.....1.....