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SPRING FOOTBALL: Jake Knott Will Play Until A Limb Falls Off


Photo: Stephen Mally/Icon SMI

Rhoads joked Tuesday that the coaching staff had to hide Knott's helmet to prevent him from suiting up for spring practices as the Waukee, Iowa native continues recovering after surgery on a torn left labrum.

Joking, Coach Rhoads? Please sir, tell the truth. This is the same player that dislocated his shoulder and popped it back in its socket on the field in a game. Twice. The same player who played with a broken ulna in his forearm last year. Who played after undergoing wrist surgery in 2010. Look, Jake Knott is not going down without a goddamn fight, and he's sure as shit not going to be held off the field because of a little shoulder surgery.

So while Knott isn't practicing at the moment, he clearly wants to be on the field. And it's already been determined that a little thing like "injuries" or "broken bones" won't keep Knott out of a game. Which raises the question: What exactly WOULD keep Knott from playing?

- Shark attack. While Iowa is a landlocked state, great white sharks hitch a ride from the Pacific Ocean to Iowa to test Knott's mettle. They are ruthless eating machines, and despite being on his home turf (literally), Knott can't compete with that.

- Rohypnol-spiked drink. Overenthusiastic jersey-chaser takes advantage of a distracted Knott and roofies number 20 while he's out on the town. A dazed Knott struggles to tackle the next day, but is benched due to technically being in a coma.

- Reporters from last years Big XII media days call Knott on his In N' Out burger bet. Penniless after buying double-doubles for the numerous reporters who've jumped on the Cyclone bandwagon, Knott is forced to move back home and live with parents.

- Knott's limb DOES fall off. Bitten by zombies on Welch Ave one Friday night, Zombie Jake is too consumed with hunger for cerebral tissue to play defense. Spends entire game wandering through visitor's section feasting on opposing fans' brains, while Cyclone fans cheer lustily. Eventually Zombie Knott runs out of opposing fans, so Emma Stone is brought in to finish him off with a sawed-off 12 gauge. It takes ten rounds of deer slug to bring him down.

- Tommy Tuberville calls in "favor" from "legitimate" business partners. Despite freeing self from cement shoes at the bottom of Lake Laverne, Knott misses game.

- Sneaky prankster Josh Lenz hides equipment. Knott opts to play naked, in clear violation of Big XII bylaws. Benched and fined.

- Brandon Weeden's kidnapping attempt. Filled with jealousy and rage ever since Knott's tipped ball forced Weeden's interception in the second overtime of the ISU-OSU game last year, Weeden has undergone some radical transformations. After undergoing gender-realignment surgery and papering his house with articles about last year's game, Weeden kidnaps Cy for some reason. Hijinks ensue. After beginning a relationship with a local pet detective who's on looking for Cy, Weeden attempts to kidnap and kill Knott as he's walking across central campus. Weeden is foiled at the last minute by the afore-mentioned pet detective, who has discovered Weeden's dark past.

- Paul Rhoads finally suceeds at pulling Knott's still-beating heart out of his chest. KALI - MA!