clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Bo Ryan Places Embargo on Exports to the United States

Bo Ryan demands that the rest of America recruit their own players, make their own beer, and stay off his damn lawn.
Bo Ryan demands that the rest of America recruit their own players, make their own beer, and stay off his damn lawn.

Madison, WI – In one of the more bizarre stories WRNL has come across, it appears that the recent transfer request of former Wisconsin basketball player Jarrod Uthoff has set off his former head coach, prompting a series of irrational and bizarre requests to state officials and Wisconsin business owners.

In a meeting with Wisconsin state representatives Wednesday, Badger’s men’s basketball coach Bo Ryan plead with state lawmakers to immediately nix all outgoing trade and commerce with the other 49 states as well as the island nation of Malta – you know, just for the hell of it.

The House is considering Ryan's request and will meet again on Thursday to explore the feasibility of cutting off outgoing trade with the rest of the country.

Initial estimates show that Wisconsin's chief exports, cheese, beer and Type-II diabetes stand to lose fortunes if Ryan's bill passes.

Uthoff requested a full release from his athletic scholarship last week so that he may transfer to another university to continue his playing career. Ryan granted the release, but with heavy restrictions.

Per Uthoff, schools in the Big Ten, ACC, Marquette and Iowa State are not permitted to talk to Uthoff. While restricting schools that a transferring player may talk to is common practice, Ryan has drawn criticism for the amount of restrictions he’s placed on Uthoff’s playing future and for basically being a dick.

In a statement released through the Wisconsin athletics department, Ryan expressed concern about the welfare of all of the Badger state and lashed out at all who wish to leave her.

"This past week, a young man on my basketball team asked to be released from his athletic scholarship so that he can transfer to another school. The audacity of this young man to ask for such a ridiculous thing blew me away and something had to be done about it.

When the shit hits the fan, somebody has to dig their heels in and stand up to what they know is morally wrong and do something about it. That's what I'm doing - standing up to the shit blowing right in my face and you better believe I’m going to blow that shit right back.

I’m going to let this little prick transfer, but that is it. I am shutting the borders down. Nobody and nothing leaves this state anymore!

God bless, Godspeed and Go Pack Go."

WRNL has also learned Ryan’s initial attempts to prevent business and Wisconsinites from leaving the state have been met with resistance and criticism.

Ryan reached out to all of the state’s local breweries and asked them to stop shipping local beer to other states, specifically Ames, Iowa where Iowa State is located.

"Let them brew their own beer," Ryan said. "That’s the traditional and correct way to do it. There's no honor in drinking beer that somebody else has brewed. Why should those assholes get to enjoy the beer we brewed and we developed? Oh, and Go Pack Go."

Capital Brewing Company, which is based out of Madison, issued a statement in response to Ryan’s request.

"While we are big supporters of the Badgers and respect the success Ryan has had while coaching the men’s basketball team, we will not stop selling our delicious beer in other states. We’ll continue to do what we do best, and we suggest that that butthurt dickbag do the same. Go Pack Go."