(open laptop, log in to Clone Zone to watch John Walters' announcement about the launch of cyclones.tv)
Greetings, Cyclone fans! John Walters here, voice of the Cyclones and lead reporter for Iowa State's new digital network, cyclones.tv. That's right, three-time Iowa sportscaster of the year John Walters is now a proud employee of Iowa State University and the face of the Cyclone digital revolution. You know, I've been flirting with ISU for years now, and I'm glad they finally decided to make an honest man out of me.
And I could not be more excited about this new venture, and look forward to providing plenty of fresh, exciting content for our online network that launches later this summer. That includes at least one football game per year, several men's and women's basketball games and all the Olympic sports you can handle.
Now, you know Johnny Jams is a straight shooter. Always have been, always will be. And if we're speaking honestly, I can tell you that Clone Zone, Iowa State's old digital network; had some problems. NeuLion provided Clone Zone's multimedia platform, but it apparently couldn't provide that media when more than 12 people were watching at one time. So you'd be watching the Cyclones and all of a sudden, BAM! Stream shuts down mid-game. You'd reboot your computer, try to log in again, but the stream is still down. So you call your friend, try to log in using their account; but THAT doesn't even work. By that time you've worked up a sweat, you're cursing a little, the kids are crying in the other room; and all you want to do is watch the 'Clones play. But you can't. Because of NeuLion's subpar service. Because of NeuLion's ****y ****ing service. So now you've worked yourself into a frenzy, you end up throwing your laptop out the window, it hits your neighbor's dog, the cops get called, your asshole neighbor won't shut up...
But I digress. The point is, watching games on Clone Zone could be a very frustrating experience for Cyclone fans.
But that's all in the past. Cyclones.tv is going to be a more robust content provider, better equipped to handle the needs of our fans. But until this summer, we're still coming to you live from Clone Zone, which hopefully can provide the bandwidth needed to get through this announc...
...giving head. Yes, any misgivings you may have about the TV schedule that Iowa State has ahead of them can now be put to rest. The Big XII's new television contract allows each school to broadcast one football game a year, so while you'll be able to see most of Iowa State's games on the big screen next year, tune into cyclone.tv for exclusive content that isn't picked up by the networks. That most likely includes next year's football game against the Western Illinois Fighting Leathernecks, along with plenty of basketb...
...touching children. Cyclone.tv plans to partner with Big Brothers, Big Sisters of Central Iowa to expand the Iowa State athletic department's role of mentoring young people. By utilizing this new digital platform, the Cyclones can reach more fans and raise funds for needy children in the area, all while bringing a top-notch product to you, the view...
...nuts in your mouth. With cyclones.tv, you'll feel like you're actually at the game, munching on peanuts in the stands with your fellow fans. All from the comfort of your house for only $9.95 a month or $79.95 a...
...double-teaming Bill Fennelly and Fred Hoiberg...
...balls bouncing in your face...
...so get excited, Cyclone fans. The future is here and its name is cyclones.tv, coming live to you this summer!
(laptop is flung out the window in a fit of rage)